Post chemo week
Sunday - felt rather tired which is hardly surprising is it. Hubby woke me up at 11am and then had an afternoon sleep but did manage a 45 min gentle gardening spell where I weeded and we tried to decide what new plant would go where. I love spring in our garden as it is so colourful and we've got lots of tadpoles and babybirds again.
Laura had gone off on a birthday ice skating trip so was late back but enjoyed it.
Thank goodness my friend had cooked some shepherd's pie for us a few days previously as we were all too tired to cook.
Monday - took a long time to get going but in the end was worth it as I met up with old work colleagues for lunch and felt better for change of scenery and company. Then went off to post my complaint letter to Primark - stupid really as I had to pass the shop to get to the postbox but don't trust the staff to pass the letter on!!
I had a few minutes to spare before meeting another friend for afternoon tea. I went into BHS and bought 2 pairs of trousers in size 16 - haven't been that size since before the twins were born!!
I met my friend in John Lewis - which prides itself in having the best view over Southampton. The Independence of the Seas was in and lots of people wanted to take photos but the blinds in the restaurant must be set off by how much sun there is so the blinds kept going up and down and opening and shutting - very noisy and disrupting - and lots of people were getting frustrated by the view, no view situation.
Then dash back to the dentist. Poor Woody had to have another baby tooth taken out as the grown up one has grown behind it leaving it still there. Then another rush to get the boys off to Archery at Beavers. Then I wonder why I'm so tired !!!
Tuesday - a hectic start as had to get the double bass to school in the rain and then off to buy footie tickets before going off to the hospice.
You would have thought that would be peaceful but after having reiki, aromotherapy, my hair done and saw the chiropodist and made the world's strangest butterfly you've ever seen, it didn't feel like it. I suppose I also felt a bit of pressure as also had to pick up Laura to get the guniea pigs to the vet as they have worms. Apparently, it is unusual for guinea pigs to get worms so typical of us really isn't it!!!!! Well, £40 later now have drops to give them and hubby and Laura had to disinfect the cage and dry it out so now the poor creatures are in the shed in a little cage as it was raining so much, they couldn't dry the hutch out. After this another dash to the co-op and then the childminders.
It was supposed to be a quiet evening but seemed to spend a lot of time downstairs before being able to watch Man U vs Barcelona in bed so will be an All England final but as not sure what channel it is on we probably won't be able to watch it anyway.

Sunday and it was Laura's birthday treat. She wanted to go down to Bournemouth to the indoor water flume ride place so we went with 2 of my friends and their daughters who are all born about the same time. They had a whale of a time and it was a struggle to get them out after 4 and a half hours!! We did leave them to it at one stage and went out to find a decent cup of coffee - you know me and my fussiness over china cups!!! We then went to Chiquitos where the food was lovely but the service slow as they seemed short staffed on the waiting staff front. The girls sat on one table and us on another. They were entertained by a magician and then kept pestering him after that!!! They got through a huge amount of chocolate fudge cake and ice creams and Laura had a special ice cream with a candle and so we sang happy birthday to her. It was a lovely day and they all really enjoyed it there.
Wednesday - the twins 11th birthday!! As dad had gone to work, the twins opened their cards and got a tidy sum of money to spend/save and then, of course, off to school. It feels terrible knowing that this will be their last birthday with me.
This was made worse by getting an envelope through the door with a quote from a funeral directors which even had the words 'funeral undertakers' printed on the outside of the envelope - very subtle!! This quote is £1000 less than another one but since I can't find that letter I'm not sure if I'm comparing like with like. At £2 - 3000 dying is not a cheap option!!
I brought the children plus a friend home after school before we set off for the Pizza party. We definately had a girls and a boys end!! Know which one I preferred - the girls were much more refined and quieter. It worked out quite cheaply as well so nicely surprised for once.
Thursday - a bit of a rush round before having a lift to the chemo unit with my friend and to meet my sister - in- law there as well. We thought it best to have a mob behind me to support me.
We actually saw the other consultant this time and he was happy for us all to be there. We discussed my options and he felt happy to give me 3 more doses of the current chemo a long as the scans don't show anything significantly changed. Hopefully, this time they will take a while to get booked just incase eveything is not as it should be. The chemo makes such a difference to my breathing and my swallowing especially. My swallowing is a real issue as when it gets to about 3 weeks I can I have difficulties again and actually did regurgitate my food at Pizza Hut.
We discussed and so the plan is after this chemo finished to try some radiotherapy to my tumour that squashes my swallowing ability and to my vertebrae which is looking active and causing me some pain. He hoped that would buy me some time off chemo before having my final chemo of taxol. This is the one that is related to taxotere which so disagreed with me last time. However, this would be smaller so weaker doses so should be better tolerated.
If I'm lucky that could leave me getting onto christmas which made me feel better. I'm not eligible for the new trial at my hospital as they are only taking on women with first diagnosis of secondaries and the tykerb trial is about to close but no idea when or if it will be licenced or if NICE will approve it. I don't feel very sure this will happen as they have used so many end stage or advanced women in the trials in the UK whereas in the USA where it has been shown to work, they give it at a much earlier stage.
I had a lovely lunch with my sister in law who then went home whilst my friend stayed and read a book. I got called into the treatment room quite quickly but yet again there was a problem with the bone one not being prescribed until next week. No way am I going back for one drug next week when usually I get all of them together. It was eventually sorted out without too much of a delay and we got home about 530ish.
The twins had Scouts and Woody came home very excited as he has been picked as the youngest scout from thier troop to represent the scouts in a competition over a weekend. So feel very proud of him and sorry for Laura as she has had a rather chequered time between brownies and sea scouts before joining scouts so has a lot of catching up to do.
Friday - again pushed myself to do a shop at the co-op for food for saturday's trip to the Chessington World of Adventures for Woody's birthday treat before getting the train over to Gunwharf Quays to meet up with some friends from Surrey. We had a good time, firstly shopping in M and S as I was cold and bought 2 hoody type tops but posh ones for £4.99 each before going to the Water Margin for food and drink. It was lovely food but what we didn't realsie was that it closed after lunch so got a bit rushed at the end. I missed my train so luckily one of Woody's friends brought the children back to her house after the childminder had finished.
It was than a rush as Woody had 2 friends coming back to stay and Laura was off to a sleepover party and in fact left in such a rush that she forgot to take her toothbrush and present for her friend. I went out and bought fish and chips fo everyone but me as i'd had a huge lunch and guess who was the first person to fall asleep. Hubby - with a cold and then AJ about 11pm and then the boys and finally me after midnight again!! Steroid induced insomnia!!
Saturday - hubby distinctly under the weather so I got up at 7am and cooked breakfast with help from hubby and was out of the house by 840am to drive to Chessington World of Adventures. Thank goodness for mobility scooters, steroids and a fast track system for disabled guests. The manager was not happy as I had no carer of aged 14 or over but we got there in the end and I sneaked in to some of the rides that were probably too fast for me but I enjoy them and I am careful what rides I do. Got a very shockling photo of the 4 of us in Tomb Raider where you shoot laser guns at coloured lights. We all look possessed with huge wide eyes. It is hilarious!! We got home about 6pm and then had Pizza delivered - apart from me of course who has had fortisip and breakfast cereal for my tea. Plus a very luxiourious bath complete with candles which when I blew them out set the fire alarm off!!
Will probably re-edit these last 2 posts as rather tired now and know my english and typing not up to scratch but thought as so long not posting I'd better do something quick!!
Also, got the computer to work and can now print off my profile - what a relief!!!
Well I did re - edit this on wed 30th april so hope it makes sense more now

Sorry - didn't realise I'd not updated this for so long.
Well I went to see my own doctor and got the right prescription this time and gave him the acne cream in hope that he might be able to give it out to someone in need with an acne problem and not an internal usage problem!!
Laura's godmother and daughter came over thursday afternoon and we went to the Itchen Valley country park. It was heaving and parking difficult but actually once there, it didn't seem too crowded. The children like it there as there are wooden play structures to climb on and pond dipping and a biggish playpark as well. It also gives us grown ups an opportunity to catch up with chatting. She had been to Waitrose for me and picked up some lovely cous cous and pasta salads. I'm eating so much more healthily now as I can't often eat bread and chocolate biscuits and eat lots of wholegrain salads, houmous and fruit plus the occasional fortisip to make sure I'm getting all the other protein and vitamins I need. However, am still losing weight but not at a dramatic rate but is noticeable if you haven't seen me recently. This does lead to problems as all my trousers fall down unless I've got a belt and then all my jeans gather up at the front and look most odd!!
The children did well at pond dipping and found some baby newts as well as the usual dragonfly larva. Woody and I just chatted as nature is not his thing.
The only thing was, it occurred to me that the last time I'd been there was with my friend who died in december. We had met up as families in the august and then she became very ill with brain tumours a few days later and a rapid spread of her breast cancer so that gave me a bit of a jolt.
On the last day of the school holidays, we went to the private tennis club and swimming pool with my friend and her 2 daughters plus another friend's daughter and my 3. We timed it a bit wrong as it when we arrived there was only 30 minutes of fun swimming before 'serious' lane swimming so we had lunch instead and the children either played on the playstaions or the computers. What a lovely place if you can afford to join. After lunch the children went into the swimming pool - both the inside and outside pools in the rain and the cold. Laura was so funny. She kepy laying out on the sunloungers and counting to 60 seconds and jumping in and then progressing onto 160 seconds before swimming. I ws amazed by how good AJ's swimming is as I've not watched him for ages. It is very obvious he is right handed when he does the crawl but he can do a whole length now. He is like Laura as he is better under the water than on the top and looked as if he could be good at the breast stroke if he can co-ordinate himself a bit more.
Saturday 19th April - a momentous occasion for hubby. The morris minor has finally passed its MOT so he was very excited and wanted to go off to get the road tax disc when he relooked at the papaerwork the DVLA had sent him which said car wa unregistered so he needs to sort this out with the local DVLA branch and then will be legal!!
My day wa also good as I arranged to meet a bc friend in Reading and we did lots of shopping before eating!! I bought a little handbag witha VW camper on from the Haynes Car workshop group so has a Haynes label on the zip and the insides of the car printed on it. My friend bought a bag with a 1970s chopper bike on it. We also went into one of the cheap sports shops and bought our children some clothes.
In the evening, 1 of Pete's college friends and his partner came round. Yet again, we had another lovely chinese takeaway so it was a good weekend.
Monday - was an inset day at the children's school so we went to the same indoor play area we've been to before and met another mum and her son's are the same age as my 2 so they had a good time there.
Tuesday - I manged to catch up with some of my photo album stuff in the morning and then met a new person off the forum site which was lovley and then went shopping again for me this time. This was not a nice experience. I was feeling a bit grotty with a sore throat anyway but desparately needed some trousers which were not going to fall down and as I don't know how long I will be here for I really didn't want to spend too much money so went to Primark. What a mistake!!! I took some clothes into the changing area and the fairhaired girl noticed I wa using my new walking stick and offered me the use of the disabled changing room. Great I thought - someone who has been trained properly. However, it was a bit disconcerting that she had to clear the cubicle first of lots of clothes left in baskets. I locked the door and got undressed to my underwear as I was also trying on a top when suddenly a lad about 20 and his girlfriend came bursting into the cubicle. Not only were they very derogatory about my body - I know it's not the same but how can it be with one boob, radiation scars and a hickman line in my chest wall where I have the chemo put in and my increased weight as well!! They then both went off in the direction of the women's side of the changing room. Wonder what their plans were then to use a big cubicle - not changing I suspect!! I went out to see the assistant an explained what had happened and asked to see the manager -I had got dressed into the new clothes by that stage incase you are wondering!! I was met by a young dark haired girl who mumbled an apology and never looked at me at all. I asked to see the manager and then went back to change very hastily into my own clothes. When I got out of the room, I was really feeling breathless and angry and no sign of the manager so I asked again and again got an off hand response. i then spotted a more mature assistant so I asked her and she found the manager immediately!! He was obviously well trained in dealing with angry customers and served me on a separate till and asked of there was anything else he could do. i was supposed to be buying new vest tops and PJs for Laura but by tis stage was feeling very ill either with shock or eith tonsillitus. I just wanted out. to make matters worse, he said they knew that the door lock was broken and it had been reported but there was no sign on the door and the assistants working there obviously had either no respect for me or were unaware. Surely, it is not too much too ask for a sign to be put up or for the disabled changing room to be used as a dumping ground. Yet again, this peception that disabled people do not have the spending power of able bodied people.
I do not like using Primark in that I know it is not an ethical trader but when the children grow so fast and my wieght fluctulates and my life expectancy is so unknwn I do not want or am able to buy clothes from other shops.
On the way back to the car park I felt really ill and after picking the children up from the childminders, I went to the doctor for antibiotics for my throat and went staright to bed without feeding the children at all.
Luckily, several friends have offered to write a complaint letter on my behalf as I just can't face another battle especially as I am dreading thursday so much when I find out the future plans for me and if I wll be offered more chemo or not. Thank you so much to you ll who volunteered and took time to do this for me - I really appreciate it.

Male folk - you mayor not want to read this quivk update!!!
There's no point beating about the bush, pussy footing around, I've got an infection 'down below' as my Nan used to say.
Last time, when I had this bacterial form of thrush, I found out instead of needing a 5 day course of a particular antibiotic that makes me feel sick and ill and it clashes with alcohol, there was an internal cream you could use and it worked really well. I had got it then by phoning the out of hours doctors as it was a saturday, they faxed a precription to the local chemist and I just collected it, used it and problem solved.
This time, I went to see my male doctor who didn't want to examine me but believed what I said and was going to prescribe the antibiotic tablets so I told him about this cream and he looked through his computerised list and prescribed a cream. The chemist didn't stock it so had to wait till yesterday to pick it up. Last night, I got it out of the bag with other things in and thought - hmm, this doesn't look right. Read the label and leaflet and found it said 'external use only' and 'for use in acne'. Yeeooooooow - can you imagine if I'd tried to use it without reading it first. My mind boggles. so it's back to the GP now to get the right stuff.
Since coming back from our holiday last week, I've been into the GP and chemist everyday as they keep getting it wrong!!! Oh well, hopefully this time, thet'll get it right and I won't feel as if my undercarriage is on fire!!!!!

Melancholy and Anger
Sorry but if you're having a 'down' day, don't read this now but if you want to join me in misery please read on.
Since diagnosis, I've never been angry that I've got bc and my life will be very short. I get very sad, feel desolate at times and very scared but I suppose I never have the energy or time to waste on anger with myself. Yes, I get angry with my children, with my long suffering hubby and family and friends for little, on the scale of things, petty things and especially when I had FEC or was on steroids, the red mist would descend just out of the blue so everyone has had to put up with unwarranted rants from me. No-one deserves this.
I think this lack of anger has probably helped me cope with all what's happened and as I'm strong willed and determined to do as much as I can and for as long as I can has added this extra time to my life.
Yesterday, I met up with a wonderul group of women who also have secondaries with the exception of 2 women in head scarves, you'd have known we all had this disease and at this stage. Everyone was vibrant and ate well, chattered and giggled like old friends do and yet most of us had never met each other before apart from in the cyber world. It was lovely and they have given me lots of encouragement over what to do next - so thank you.
However, when I got home, I felt overcome with sadness and the reality hit me that they and me are going to die way before the average age and how much we and our families will miss out on. Such a wonderful group of people and it feels so unfair that there are so many people like this will die prematurely and the 'scum of the earth' carry on destroying things and others' lives for kicks.
When I got home and after the children went to bed, hubby and I played crib which we haven't done in years (and have probably corrupted all the rules anyway). It was so refreshing to do something 'normal' together and just have a laugh and 'pretend' it was like the old days. Why after nearly only 13 years of marriage is it going to end?
We desparately want to spend a weekend away together somewhere nice but between hubby working some saturdays, children's birthdays and bank holidays, the earliest is middle of may!!! (and we haven't even got the childcare sorted yet - oops!! ) and it's another expense - we need to spend his bonus on getting things done to the house and on things that will make life easier in the future when we all want and need to be using the internet at the same time but we both need to spend time together now whilst I'm well enough to get out and about and that is probably a better investment than any material things. As they say 'money doesn't give you happiness but doesn't half help make life easier.' That is not meant as a plea for money though - it's just a change of priorities that we hadn't banked on.
When it came to bedtime, I then felt so overcome and angry by what this disease has done to my life, my familes life (both sides) and friends, work colleagues and 'everyone else who knows me' as they say on radio dedications.
I feel angry and sad that my children have had to see me being so ill at times and now have to rush round to help me if I suddenly hit a problem like regurgitating my food. What youg child should go through that? Our family life has been transformed and not for the better. Emotional scenes and high stress levels are more like it these days and yet we all know and feel we should be making the most of our 'happy home life' and I suppose we are pressurising ourselves on that one and just should be more laid back because who knows there is always that 'bus that everyone tells you about that might come your way one day'.
It made me think about what I had dreamy my life would be. Simple things - like I want to be able to go out cycling with them, walk up hills in the countryside, jump over streams now and in the future. Not to be the one that sits in a chair waiting for them to come back.
I've enjoyed the children at all ages but I suppose now as I know I won't see them grow up, their particular ages make them seem so much more fun.
Laura - her love of wildlife. I'd love to be able to go out on longs with her and look at the wildlife with her through binoculars etc and climb hills to see views and spot birds. Her wonderful imagination and sense of humour. It breaks my heart when I see that fear in her eyes when I suddenly choke or have a pain or can't do the things other mums would be doing.
Woody - who has got me interested in football andI love sitting watching matches with him and discussing it. (Adults - sorry can't compete with your knowledge so don't even try) We share a more similar sense of humour so have lots of giggles. He's into a variety of music like me and I would have loved to have taken him to see his favourite bands but I've never dared book tickets so far ahead because I've spent the last 18 months not knowing if I would still be here by the time the concert came round. Why should he have to take responsibility and take charge if I have a sudden attack of the 'vapours' for want of a better word?
AJ - his brilliant sense of imagination and sense of humour. His innocent belief in things. It cracks me up to see him get so distressed as he is so scared I will die when he is in school or away from me. I want to be able to take him to the park and play outside games, do laserquest etc. He lacks so much confidence and I can't help him with that as my illness has added to his lack of sense of self worth. I wanted to be here for him to get him to be more self confident. Just have fun reading books with him and listening to his 'chat'
My hubby - I thought marrying a younger man would mean we would have more time together at retirement and we would be able to go back to what we used to do pre-children, once they were old enough to be left alone for the weekend or left home. We were going to walk The Penine Way, go to Scotland and Wales to walk, just spend time together, travelling in the morris minor. Having children has put a strain on our relationship but we've always got on so well together as a couple. I knew our relationship was strong enough to get us through the awkward years and that having children can mean that your own needs as a couple or individual have to be sacrificed on occassions. All those dreams shattered - not expensive or unusual needs, are they? Never to be able to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary etc. Our jppint dreams just gone.
Never to see my children grow up through the teenage years, have different types of holidays with them or general activity days, do their GSCEs, get qualifications, get jobs, travel, marry perhaps, grandparenthood seems so unfair I won't be here.
We struggled to have the twins - I had fertility treatment. I can't say I would never had had them if I knew I would be terminally ill when they are at junior school because they give so much back to me and I love their company and without them I would have probably given up on treatment earlier. As a health visitor, I saw so much child cruelty and neglect and I wonder why its me who's going to die when I love and care and can give so much to my children, family and friends and the world.
My sister - I thought we'd probably be holidaying in our retirement together just as our nan and her sister did. I can see the fear in her eyes when I give her bad news. It upsets me knowing that she lives so far away and we can't spend as much time together as we would like to and I can nver help her out.
My mum - not being to care for her instead of her caring for me. Seeing her so upset because I will die before her and how she has to cope on her own as neither myself or my sister live nearby. Seeing me have the sort of cancer problems that my dad had. Again, spending time and doing common interests together.
My uncle - who always kept me so amused as a child with his antics. Also to see me having the same sort of cancer related difficulties both his mum and brother had.
All the nephews and nieces - that over the last 3 years, I've not got to see them as frequently as I would have liked and to be able to be a 'proper aunty' and in the future, not to be an ear to listen to.
My in laws - not to be able to repay their help they've given us and spend time together.
My friends - again as the children got older I thought we'd be able to go away together or meet in the evenings without the worry of getting babysitters etc. I can never repay all the help they've given me over the last 3 years.
My career - I was halfway through my degree and I always wanted to achieve that. No promotion prospects, not even being able to work at present.
Today, I am angry and sad but I never want to be bitter or anybody else to be bitter about our situation because I learnt that lesson as a student nurse - it doesn't make you a good person to be around.
Hopefully, normal service will be resumed on this blog very soon.

Friday - Firstly the district nurse came to flush out my line and sort out mine and AJ's prescriptions. At last, and hopefully we will get more than 1 box of 30 sachets of medicine for AJ. He needs 3 - 4 a day so 30 packs in a box does not last but the surgery computer did not want to be changed by a receptionist but soemhow the district nurse knew how to over ride the system.
Then my younger sister-in-law came round in the morning and gave me a huge hand with all the washing and drying of clothes and doing some shopping for me. It was such a relief to have a hand and i can thoroughly recommend her as a very thorough and efficient cleaner etc. It was a superb job - thank you so much.
In the afternoon, we went to John Lewis to buy a mattress for Woody and birthday pressies for friends and a pair of school trousers. Back to reality now!!!
Saturday and hubby was working so it was just Woody, Laura and AJ that went to an outdoor picnic party to celebrate their friends birthdays. It was lovely to be outside again and the children were all enjoying themselves when we suddenly looked up and could see this huge swathe of rain coming towards us. It was quick pack away and home. Then in the afternoon it was sunny which seemed a shame.
Being back home and catching up with news from friends on the breast cancer forums, I suddenly went into meltdown. It suddenly dawned on me that I had my last chemo in 2 weeks and that could potentially be it. No more regular options left - just trials and maybe recycled chemo which means I would lose my hair again. (I'd rather live longer with no hair but to lose it just now when it is coming back to normal seems unfair too) I feel so well at present - well, I mean for living with seccondary cancer and the realisation that as my cancer grows so quickly off chemo, if I get no more then I will only live for another 8 weeks or so and that has really spooked me and feel so unreal. I've really not coped at all. Been really tearful and will definately go and see the oncologist on the 24th April even if my bloods are not good enough for chemo as I need to know what options I've got here and ask for a referral to somewhere else if he refuses to treat me as I won't have time and be well enough if I leave it for 3 weeks after my last chemo.
It's made me have a night terror last night where I couldn't move, I could smell all sorts of different things and my hubby kept morphing into strange shapes and couldn't help me plus I was aware that my Ipod was still playing but that seemed all distorted as well. When I woke up I'd only been asleep for about 45 mins and that made me scared as well as I wondered if that was what it felt like when you were dying so I was up half the night and still feel so scared but there is nothing I can do until I see the specialist on the 24th as I'm busy this week and for the info I'd get now doesn't seem worth the effort when I could be spending this time with the children.
What a bump back to reality after a lovely time away.
I've been up half the night worrying. At the same time, I'm tired of having to fight but I feel so well and so scared of not being able to breathe again and not being able to swallow.

Well I got up early and got on with the packing. I eventually had to wake the twins up as we had to be out by 10am. There was no chance of that especially as I still had 2 mummy sleeping bags to wrestle with. The twins have to have help at camp as it is such a struggle to get these mummy bags into their even smaller bags!!!
With lots of help from middle niece, I managed to get it all packed away and we left about 1020am so not bad really.
The others wanted to go to the Zoo at Sandown - 'Tiger Island - as seen on ITV with Nigel Marven'. None of us had heard of this at all - have you? I think from reading the brochure, the series doesn't start until the summer and that is when Nigel is coming down to open up the new tiger enclosures.
I took AJ into the next door'Dinosaur isle' musuem which he enjoyed and then when we got outside, it was so cold and windy, I felt we'd made the right decision to go home today as it was so cold.
After contacting each other via mobiles, AJ and I also went into the Zoo. What did we do without mobiles? How do non mobile phone users manage??!!
The children were using their eldest cousin's phone with video provision and were making a documentary about the animals. They had a really good time and at lunchtime were editing the film and writing notes on a napkin. Hope we can get to see a copy!!!
The tigers were amazing. I've never seen white tigers before and they are stunning. The new enclosures were lovely and were interactive for the tigers but the old enclosures were very sad looking.
When AJ and I had been at the dinosaur museum, the others had listened to how they were trying to enrich the jaguar's lives by using different knds of scent. They were apparently upset by human smells and din't like the smell of Brut but when it came to Lynx Aftershave, they all got very excited and were dragging the straw round all day and got upset when it was taken away so the adverts may not be true to human life. Well, I've never taken to following men splashed with Lynx down the street so be careful boys if you use it when there are jaguars around!!!
After this, we decided to go back into Ryde again because I wanted to go down the pier and we thought it more likely that we'd get some food there!!! I loved driving down it and seeing the old London Underground train which is used as the mainline servoce on the Island. We got out and admired the Hampshire coast and could see points where we'd been before eg Spinnaker Tower, Fort Nelson and Fort Purbrook plus the outline of the oil refineries!!!
After all this, we adults fancied a cream tea. This again proved impossible as cream tea finished at 330pm and it was now 4pm so we ended up in a posh cafe in Ryde eating a variety of things that were available at that time ie pancakes, cakes but not pizza but I did get to drink tea out of a china cup. I think the chemo is to blame for this desire - normally I'm happy to drink tea out of anything!!!
Back to Cowes where I had to decalre myself 'dnagerous' because of my 2 litre oxygen cylinder and ended up being parked in a little bay away from everyone else!!! Eventually, I found out that I wasn't 'dangerous' just a bit of a 'hazard' but why change a habit of a lifetime now!!
Everything was fine getting on - I didn't make any mistakes this time and parked right next to the disabled lift which was handy. The only problem was just as we were driving onto the ferry, AJ suddenly had a big nosebleed. He's never had one before and nothing seemed to have happened to set it off ie no fighting or losing of tempers was involved. He was well and truly plastered but luckily it was all over his skin and not his clothes but you have to get off the cardeck so we had to move him with his nose still bleeding!! Poor thing.
The journey home was quieter and the children and myself went out on the deck and again looked at the wonderful sights in the solent - Fawley and Hamble oil Refineries being a particular favourite but we did sail close by the Oceona!! What an awful shock it must be for people on cruises to come up the Solent and all you can see is oil refineries and tankers and freight ships!!!
We got home to find hubby had just sold the car!!! He and my sis helped unload the car before his friend picked him up to the usual morris minor pub night!!
It had been a wonderful holiday and thank you so much to the person who made it so easy for me to go away with my family. You know who you are and what you did and we are all so grateful for that. You are a special person.

It had been a better night and not so cold. We set off for the other great tourist attraction aka Blackgang Chine. I made a fool of myself at the carpark entrance when I tried to ask a dummy where the disabled parking spots were!! I found them by following the sign in the end like most normal people do!!

The kids really were looking forward to it and as soon as I saw the rollercoaster I wanted to go on it too. Only problem was it said that you had to have no physical disablilities so I dispensed with the stick and gave it to my mum so I could go on it.(After all these years of following rules, I think now I can let myself go a bit don't you think!!) It was a bit faster than I thought but pleased I did it even if I did have to ask for help as soon as the safety bar came down as AJ pulled the bar down so hard I couldn't breathe so they had to unlock it and start again!!

The rest of the place was very hilly with lots of areas for me to sit down and the children taking it in turns to push me up the hill. Honestly, even when walking it is so much easier if someone is pushing you on the back up a hill!!!

The Island seemed to be ahead of us in garden terms. There was so much blossom, tulips and even a ceonothus looked about to bloom and the primroses and garlic flowers. It really was so pretty. I love spring and odd to think I will never see spring again. Everything I do from now on feels like it will be for the last time so I do truly try to make the most of it.

We spent all day there but again I was desparate for a cup (not a plastic cup) of proper tea!!!

We ate in a lovely pub in Shanklin - again we'd run into problems trying to get pizza for evening meal - lunch yes but not in the evening so after asking around we were recomended The Crab in Shanklin - well worth it. the food was lovely. Laura was again true to her chocoholic self and had a large slice of chocolate gateau with cream which again disappeared in seconds. Woody and I shared a sticky toffee pud with custard which was lovely.

That night, sis took the children to the club at the camp whilst I tried to start packing. I must have spent about an hour trying to stuff a mummy bag into its very small sack as it was not needed as the blankets were warm enough. I was absolutely exhausted by the end and really out of breath.

Nearly at the end and I didn't really want to go home and wished we'd booked for longer.

After our cold night, we'd found that my sister and her 2 girls had also been very cold. Somehow mum never seems to feel the cold - lucky person!! The swimming pool opened at 9am and that seemed the best option to get clean as the bath was so tiny and ours also had a big rust patch around the plughole that we were worried we might go through!!! The children enjoyed the swim and sister had her hot shower. The children complained the flume was very slow but enjoyed the jacuzzi thing.
By the time that was over with and it seemed a warm, sunny day, we decided to go to Alum Bay and the biggest, most expensive tourist trap on the Island aka The Needles Experience!! The children were most enthusiastic about the sweet shop of course!! We went down to the beach by the cable car. That was an experience and a half!!! Having not been on a moving cable seat for many a year, it was definately an art to get on and off that I'd forgotten but I suppose last time, I wasn't hampered by holding a walking stick and a petrified 7yr old's hand!! We got on alright and the other children got off with no problem but mum got a bit unco-ordinated and just about got off without a mishap. AJ and I were so chaotic, they had to stop the cars so we could get off which was rather embarrassing and must have petrified people on the cars who must have wondered why they'd suddenly stopped!!!
I think because it was sunny and clear that I could actually see the different coloured sand this time which I can't remember doing last time when I was there about 20 years ago. I think I was distracted by my niece then who would have been about 16 months old and playing 'ta' with her. By this I meant she sat on the pebbles and gave me a pebble and say 'ta' and I'd give her another one and she'd say 'ta'. etc etc. Luckily, her conversational skills have improved since then!!!
There was a little boat trip out to the point of The Needles (plus commentary, of course) which I went on with all 5 children. I really enjoyed it. I love being out on the water and hope there is some chance someone round here maybe able to take me out on a yacht again before I become too ill. Any offers or ideas?!!!
I'm not sure the children were so impressed by the commentary or the sights but could recognise we were on the opposite of the solent than usual!! They were more interested in listening to the i-pod especially 'Low' feat T Paine - see I did put it on my memo in my phone, Woody and cousins!!!!
Mum and sis enjoyed themselves sitting on the beach - probably enjoying the peacefulness.
Then it was back up by cable car. The children ran ahead and were already up in the cars before AJ and myself got on. This time on and off in a much more co-ordinated fashion!!! Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for mum - sorry mum. You did really well actually!!!
Then it was time off for the children to play mini golf and visit to The Sweet Shop where they saw Banana splits being made. They were so excited about this!! We adults made the most of this opportunity by having tea or hot chocolate. I know for health and safety reasons, all these outlets put hot drinks in paper cups or polystyrene cups but it just doesn't taste the same. You would think I was 76 not 46, the way I like my tea in a china cup!!
We then discovered that the lens had fallen out of Woody's glasses yet again. Somehow we found the lens and little screw in mum's bag so having asked where the nearest opticians was, we headed off to Freshwater only to to find it closed. It was 430pm!! We were told to go to Newport which was 11 miles away and seemed to take forever and at 452pm in Carisbrooke, we found a little opticians who fixed it for Woody and didn't charge us even though we'd obviously not got the glasses there as his glasses are from a company not present on the Islands so that helped.
We decided to head for Newport for a takeaway but I don't think any of us appreciated the nightmare of Newport in the rush hour until then. It was truly awful and the 2 cars got split up with me heading for Cowes and sister heading for Ryde. Ryde seemed the best option so eventually we found a roundabout and headed back that way.
We ate in Weatherspoons which was packed out and the poor waitress had too many tables. It was also cold in the family area. The food came and I'd ordered sausages, mash, peas and red onion gravy. That seemed a reasonable damp meal for me but alas it was not. The peas were not even 'al dente' more like rock hard. The mash was lovley but the sausages were quite dry and there was not much gravy. I didn't even have ice in my drink as I knew that would make my swallowing worse but I still ended up regurgitating half my diiner into the bowl where the corn on the cob had been. It was horrible. I felt embarrassed and I know it upsets the children when that happens and goodness knows what the other diners thought. I tried again with a cup of tea but what I neeeded was red onion gravy. This turned out to be an impossibility!! The meals come ready made so there is no extra red onion gravy. After going into the words, cancer, large tumour, terminal and not able to swallow and full refund. I got some normal gravy!!! I really don't like gravy granules but I can't eat without it now.
I had a treacle sponge and custard for puds which was lovely and Laura, being the chocoholic she is had the last adult portion of chocolate torte which she said she would eat slowly but had eaten it by the time I was on my second mouthful!! The others just had ice cream.
On the way back to the site, we drove along the front at Ryde and I'd never realised you could drive down the Pier head there!!! I really wanted to come back and do that.
Back at the chalets with the fan heaters going and the radiator on at full heat instead of half heat, we quickly warmed up!! Just hoped we'd be warmer tonight. Hope i'm not boring you by going into such detail - if I am -you'll just have to skip forward to another heading eventually. we come home thursday by the way!!! Hubby wants the computer now.

Hubby was off on the monday so he was able to pack the car for me. I can't believe how much stuff I seemed to be packing. I knew I could buy things there in sterling - it was hardly an issue was it but you know what the shops are like!! Snow yesterday and summer things in the shops!!! We looked as if we were fleeing the country!! Not really helped by AJ's insistance that he took so many toys and Woody seemed to have a thing for taking all his pillows!! Laura had taken a bag and a pillow so we were well and truly loaded up!! As for me - well a small medicine cupboard of drugs and stuff for my long line, just incase, plus my wheatbags, V pillow and memory foam pillow plus clothes definately made it look like we'd been gone a month!!!
It had suddenly occurred to me on sunday that perhaps i ought to let the ferry company know i was taking a small 2 litre oxygen cylinder with me. I've not used it for months but I was worried incase the coldness caused me problems and I didn't want to end up in hospital again!! Of course, the freight office was shut on sunday so the ferry company emailed them for me incase there was a problem. Of course, i heard nothing back so ended up phoning them on the monday and being told just to declare it at the ticket check in.
My sister, her 2 girls and mum arrived in time for a cup of tea before heading off for the port. I did as instructed and told the ticket booth woman that i had a 2 l oxygen cylinder so ended up in a separate queue and a special place on the ferry. This is where I made the first of several mistakes though in this holiday!!!
I was waved on first - I didn't understand the hand signals and so the worker ended up banging on the side of the car and so i stopped to be told I had to put my hazard lights on as I was leading the convoy onto the ferry!! I thought he just meant me to put the lights on - how was i supposed to know that this funny hand movement menat 'hazard lights'. The poor children thought I'd run someone over in the process of getting to the boarding lane. Just don't ask me to play charades or pictionary or lip read - you'd never get anywhere with me!!
The ferry journey was uninspiring but the children liked seeing the sites up the solent they knew.
We knew we had several hours before booking into the caravan site so we went to Godshill Model Village where we did a harder than usual children's quiz. I'm not sure where we went wrong but as there were no prizes it didn't matter really!!! Not sure why they had a plastic kangaroo on a model house roof and a Father Christmas on the wind turbine model though!!! As it was now late afternoon and we hadn't had a proper lunch, we thought we'd try to get something hot to eat. Although there were about 5 eating places there, only 1 was open by then to eat a 'proper' dinner. At first we were the only ones there but we were joined by another family so had to behave ourselves then. I had an omelette with 'duchesse potatoes'. These turned out to be piped mashed potatoes and then baked. Nice but a bit crispy for me at that time.
We then found our way over to the caravan site. It certainly looked nice enough but as we went to find out where the caravans were, we then discovered that our caravans were 3 rows behind each other and not as stated on the booking confirmation form that we needed to be next to each other due to my health!!! After a bit of a heated exchange, the receptionist found 2 chalets next to each other in a matter of minutes. They were definately smaller than a 2 berth caravan but at least we hoped it would be warmer than a caravan.
Actually, it was a bit of swings and roundabouts really. We got full sized single beds and a better double bed but the living room was smaller. You could not get 4 people comfortably on the settee but then as we were 3 adults who sat on the settee and 5 children from 7 - 13 who played in one bedroom, it wasn't really a problem!!! The odd thing was there were no plug sockets in the bedroom so that scuppered the plan of putting the fan heaters actually in there rather than in the doorway!!
It was a really cold night. I'm sure the forecaster said it was minus 4. At 5am, it really felt like it!! Despite the warmer mummy proper sleeping bags the twins had, they had the duvet and then a blanket and i had to turn on the fan heaters we'd bought with us to keep warm plus Laura put on her dressing gown and thermal socks!! I'd gone to bed with the electric wall heater on in the living room full blast but it didn't feel like it. I rewarmed my wheat bags and I think sleeping on my special plastic blow up mattress for my bony secondaries, i warmed the air up in it so kept warmer than the children. Never known AJ to complain of the cold at night before ever. He is usually one of the hottest sweatiest children around!!
In the morning, the children woke up first and went up to their cousins' chalet so i could sleep in a bit. Well, that was the idea but Aj seemed to have different ideas about the speed of getting dressed than Woody so i woke up!! They all went swimming whilst mum and I pottered about. As we then leaving the site about noon, and the weather was warm and sunny we went down to the Needles and Alum Bay. What a tourist trap!!! the children of course loved it but you had to have tokens for every shop and attraction so expensive!!!
We went down on the chair lift to the beach. Poor AJ was quite terrified - I suppose there is very littl holding you in and he is only small. It was a bit of a performance getting on the chair with a walking stick and holding onto his hand but we got on alright. it was the getting off that we made a mess off and nearly had to go round again!! They ended up stopping the mechanism so that AJ and I could climb off - poor people behind us cos they wouldn't have been able to see why they had stopped and must have wondered why they had suddenly stopped!!
It was lovely and warm so mum and sis sat on the beach and i took the children onto the little boat trip around to the Needles. I love being on the water and we weren't all squashed up so i really enjoyed it.
The way back up the chairlift was easier for me and AJ as we had sussed out how to get off properly. I was petrified I would drop my walking stick into the chine below but didn't. Poor mum who was with my sis nearly fell off the chair lift. She hadn't sat on the seat properly and was hanging off the side with my sister clinging onto her for dear life!!
We thought we'd head back to Newport for a takeaway but ended up gtting stuck in the rush hour and got separated with me heading off to Cowes and sis heading off to Ryde. After going all the way round the roundabout, we met up in Ryde. Thank goodness for mobiles or we might never had seen each other till being back at the chalet!!
We found a Wetherspoons which I'd never eaten in before. The place was packed and cold and with 1 waitress trying to cope with too many tables. The food was OK - I think the children enjoyed their meals better than the adults. i ordered sausage and mash with peas and red onion gravy. I thought that would be a damp enough meal for me to cope with. i didn't have any ice in my drink but I still ended up having a spasm adn regurgitating a quarter of my meal into AJ's empty corn of the cob bowl right in the middle table of the packed place. I was quite mortified but everybody just ignored me. We asked for more gravy and was told it came in a portion with the food so there was no extra gravy so I tried eating with a cup of tea but it was still so dry. Eventually, having to explain why i so needed extra moisture, the waitress came up with ordinary gravy - apparently it is only red onion gravy that comes in individual portions.!!! I hate doing the cancer card thing but it was either that or go hungry and ask for a refund.
Laura wanted the chocolate adult torte for her pudding which she said she would eat slowly. If that was slowly, I hate to think what quickly means!! I had treacle sponge with plenty of custard so i was much happier.
Then home to the chalet. It warmed up quicker this time as i found that I only had the heater on half power last night - being ditzey again!!!
It is now 2am as I've been really bad and carried on taking the steroids after the chemo last week so that i would have the power and energy to keep going all day. Trouble is, it keeps me going half the night as well and tomorrow i need to really to cut back completely so will probably have a dopey day tomorrow.
thanks to my dear friend who made this holiday possible for us - it meant so much to have this holiday together.

I felt Ok after my chemo and the improvement in my bone pain was remarkable and gradually my swallowing ability has improved now but I can still run into difficulties which is horrible and embarassing when eating out if the food is not as damp as i thought.
Very kindly, the inlaws took the children for the weekend before we went away so it gave me a chance to rest and pack slowly before the holiday. Hubby was working on the saturday so really appreciated the time to myself. Woody had 2 parties at the weekend so we were very grateful that they did all the running around.
Saturday night some of hubby's friends came round and we had another chinese takeaway. Usually, (as you know) Chinese food comes with lots of sauces so I can manage that more easily. It was a good night and so lovely and peaceful to wake up without the chaos of the children. Hubby woke me up so that I could see the snow. I'd had a restless night with restless legs again so wasn't as impresed as I might have been if I'd slept better. Beginning to wondering if it is the chemo which is making me have this horrible problem as it happened thursday and saturday night and a little bit on friday night. Apparently there is no known cure for this problem so that must be awful for people who get this all the time. I ended up sleeping downstairs on the bedsettee thursday and saturday night but that seemed to help the problem or maybe it was just the act of walking abound that helped.
It snowed on the sunday - only about 1-2 cm here but the children assured me it was deeper at their grandparents house. They had a wonderful time in the snow and built a snowman who survived till monday. The coldness was beginning to worry me as the caravan had only 1 heater in the lounge so we had been lent 2 fans from friends as a bacck up as the electricity was included. I thought the twins should be OK as they had been camping in minus 3 in November - it was AJ and myself I was worried about.
The children returned about 5pm but I didn't wake up till about 6pm!! Good job it was the school holiday and not a school day the following day or we'd have never have made it!!!
To totally change subjects now and after saying here that people might not want to read my thoughts about my end of life etc I began to wonder if that was the right way to go about it so i ended up putting up a thread about it in the bc support forum I belong to and got quite a few ideas and comments which have been very useful and made me think about it a bit more and so have added to it now as I'd missed some points out. Thank you for your comments - it did help me focus more and gave me some more to think and work on about later - definately a work in progress!!!

I was dreading this visit but it went OK. They had found me a reclining chair so at least I could rest my painful shoulder and back and keep my legs up.
My blood tests were fine, the blood cultures grew nothing and I had my chemo done and lots of xrays on my shoulder/back/hips and pelvis but got to wait until they are reported on to see if there is further spread. The onc said despite the spread in my bones zometa - the bone strengthener was superior to the others on offer so I was better staying on this. Will probably have more rads if pain doesn't settle as so reluctant to start long acting morphine.
Poor hubby had to bring Laura to see the hip surgeon as her hip has become worse. She can't walk more than a couple of miles, can't do PE and can't sit cross legged and her running is strange as she can't move her right hip properly so does a gallop with her right leg and a proper run with her left. They had to wait over 2 hours to see the registar who was not very helpful and said as she was growing it would be painful as she grew but once she stopped growing it would stop.
As it was mock SATS week and the delay so long she missed her maths sats papers and her recorder lesson. Guess what she was upset about!!!
Today, i feel high on steroids so have been able to keep going all day with help from friends with washing up, emptying the dishwasher, putting out the washing and taking more washing away to do and sweeping and hoovering. Thank you so much.
I managed to write my dying wish list and have made contact with various chapels of rest without bursting into tears.
My pain is better and so is my breathing but sadly my swallowing has not so hope it will over the next few days.
Really looking forward to going away for 3 nights from 7th April - leaving hubby at home - poor thing and have booked a caravan from a friend for part of the May half term so it's good to have something to llok forward to but with twins and AJ's birthdaays coming upo in the next 5 weeks don't think the bank manager will be so impressed.
Kate

Well I wrote as a reminder to myself to tell you about being Queen of the Commode, the imelda world of pajamas, cleanliness of the hospital, cardiology docotor, and other patients so here goes.
The hospital was a 1930s bulit one where they had different levels of cleanliness - much higher I imagine and the toilet was a real issue so might be best not to read this whilst eating!!
I was in the annexe with 5 different patients but all oncology on a general ward. here was 1 toilet and I shower next door. The toilet had no sink in it and no bleach wipes for the seat or handles. As i sat on the toilet having got the poor new and young housekeeper to clean the diarrhoea encrusted toilet, I could see bodily fluids up the side of the walls. I complained to the sister who said it was old and just dirty paint - well I know poo and vomit from rust!!! the hoousekeeper did a wonderful job of bleaching the walls and it did look a lot better and the stains all went.
One poor lady was abit confused and had prolific diarrhoea - clostridium difficle crossed my mind and even though she had a commode in her room she would trot up to the toilet with a trail of diarrhoea in her wake and leaving it all over the floor and seat of the toilet. The poor domestic was at the end of her tether at having to clear up after her and we others got scared as we all had very low white blood cell counts and I did not want to be finished off by a hospital acquired infection!!! Eventually, they moved her to a different ward where they said they could keep a better eye on her but they wouldn't tell us what sort of ward it was. Hopefully have ome out of that unscathed.
Beacuse of this and because I had IV fluids I did need a toilet - in the end they got me a commode which again I had to disinfect my self as there was bodily fluids on the surrounding seat and lid!! I will write to the hospital's MP when I suss out who that is as i have no faith in the PALS system.
I got talking to the lad in the next single room and we both thought we recognised each other. it seemed she had worked as a nursery nurse at the hospital the twins were born at so eother knew her from that or from study days at the hospital.
The other person in a side room was supposedly a prisoner from the nearby prison - not sure about that - I think he had mental health problems and was so rude to all the staff.
The idea of me going to that hospital rather than the nearest one was becuase it has an oncology ward but I spent the whole time under the care of the cardiologist and even though the nurses and doctors were lovely they hope;ess about pain control in palliative care so i got the pharmacist to find out options for me. DIY healthcare is the order of the day now it seems.
Right my pajama collection!!! - having been unexpectedly taken into hospital away from home, I had minimal pjs ie 1 pair that was in desparate need of a wash and i really didn't fancy the rather fetching spilt down the back NHS ones!! Luckily I've lost enough weight to fir into 2 pairs of my mum's PJs but she very kindly went out and bought me some more and a dressing gown as i was borrowing her lovely fleecy one but couldn't always get my lymphoedema arm down the sleeve so she found me one from George or Quality Seconds - what would I do with out these cheap shops. It doesn't seem worth spending loads of money on thigs I won't use for a long time but saying that my 3 pairs of my M and S pjs are the most comfortable and as for my 11 yr old cotton M and s dressing gown it still looks as good as new. The primark ones are struggling but the Tescos one are holding up well. It doesn't seem to matter how many pairs I have I still struggle to find a matching set!!! Slippers are another thing I always struggle with. I spend so long in them and as my ankles swell, it is difficult to find a pair which look nice and are going to stay on my feet when I have no feeling in my toes.
The food was better than at home but the choice worse and it wasn't till day 3 that I found I could order an omelette, scrambled eggs or a baked potato. The omelette was delicious and the potato was good as well.
At least I had a view and the staff were lovely.

Dying wishes - don't read until applicable.
This last stay in hospital has really frightenened me and made me realise how vulnerable I am now. I know when one of our friends died we suddenly didn't realise what she liked and disliked so although all of this is in my muddled death book, i thought it sensible to have some of this written down now so when the time comes you know what I like dislike etc.

1. I want to die in the hospice and for people to make my room homely with flowers and my ipod playing in my speaker sytem at times
2. I want my v pillow and memory pillow
3. Hopefully be in my own clothes/pajamas
4. Please if I have any hair by then that it is brushed and cleaned
5. Please make sure my mouth is clean and lips moisturised
6. My skin is moisturised, face and body
7. I have no worries about other people me naked in a dignified way
8. Please ensure my wedding ring is off and hubby is keeping it in safe place
9. I want to receive the last rites or whatever it is they do in C of E
10. I like massage and being touched apart from where my hair is/was but if bald, i know last time the skin got skanky and needed defoliating and mosturised.
11. Shave my legs if appropriate - not got any hair in other places really any more!!
12. I have a view that euthanasia is correct but I know it is illegal in this country but if anything can be done to hasten my death at that point please don't stop it.

CHAPEL OF REST

I have no objections to anybody coming to see me in the Chapel of Rest but I leave it up to you as I don't want anybody forced into things they do not feel they can do

Please can I wear the dress and cardi that I wore for my wedding renewal service.

Crematorium

1. Please don't wear all black unless you are a Goth
2. Please book a double slot at the Crem as otherwise it is like a supermarket checkout!!!
3. I would like groups of family/friends to club together so there are some flowers. Wreaths are expensive so either do a wreath if that makes you happy or bunches of flowers with messages are fine with me. I like white, cream, yellows and blue flowers but depends on time of year.
4. With money left over from collections for flowers please can you donate this to
5. - Cancer Reserach UK or
6. - Countess Mountbattern Hospice
7. If anybody wants to write a tribute but does not want to read it out, the chaplin will. I know so many people from different stages in my life that later friends do not know my past and older friends do not always know how other family and friends fit in.
8. If someone will read a scripture passage and somebody else or 2, a non religious piece or 2, please let hubby know. If not the chaplin will do this as well but would be nice to hear another voice I think for the congretation. The reading I would like is the one we had at our wedding renewal of saying 'Did I ever thank you'
9. but the others are Taken from 'Poetry Please - a collection from Radio 4 listeners and are
10. - Indian Prayer no 2
11. - A song of Living - no 18
12. Let me not see old age no 51
13. - Adieu; And Au Revoir No 78
14. I want Lord of Hopefulness but can't decide on other hymn or piece of music at the moment
15. Well that's not strictly true, my favourite but not be appropriate are the following
16. Carry You Home - James Blunt
17. The Other Side - Scissor Sisters
18. You To Me are Everything - The Real Thing
19. Love Song - The Cure
20. The Forest - The Cure
21. Wires - Athlete
22. The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve
23. Reach Out - Take That
24. I'd Wait for life - Take That
25. Hopefully my children will come so if you feel so if you feel it is appropriate then bring them but I recognise it may not be appropriate for you or your children
26. Please don't feel obliged to come - lots of us have bad memories of funerals/crem services and I don't want to further stress people by feeling obliged to come if it is going to cause you too much stress but it would be nice if you could just drop a line to hubby and children.
27. I would like there to be some kind of buffet afterwards - need to arrange venue and caterers for this as some people will be travelling a long distance and I would like to provide tea and cakes or something simple for afterwards.

Ashes

I would like my Ashes scattered in the water in The New Forest if allowable or if not at the Devil's Kneading Bowl in Wye, Kent.

This will be added/deducted to at a later date but if it happens sooner at least you have a bit to go on with

Thing is are you going to read this now or later??!! - there is no way for me to tell unless you leave comments which would probably help me especially with the scripture readings, prayers, poems and songs/music. Thanks.

Difficult to post and must be difficult to read but please me any suggestions - you can leave them completely anonomously.

Well I was meaning to tell you more about my hospital stay but will do that next time. Just feeling very low today. Trying to sort out finances, wills, crem service etc is not conducive to having a cheerful day. I suppose good things did happen -

• district nurse came early to do my bloods
• no news from hospital so presumably new blood cultures from monday have grown nothing
• sister in law has started to sort out my £200 gas/electric bill and given me ideas about other finacial matters
• friends came and tidied kitchen again and sorted out daughters bed and even managed to change Laura's bed - first time in a long time. I think they found about 20 soft toys, plenty of hairbands and pens and notepads and other strange things
• went out for lunch with friend from student nursing days
• got 2 lots of washing done and dried
• done an internet shop for tomorrow evening

Even though I've tried to make all that seem positive, the day just feels I've been in tears all day and stressed out by the thought of facing my finances, will writing and soring out crem service. On top of this, I found my pay was down to half pay even though I'd not been notified this was going to happen and I'd been reassured that it wouldn't happen.

Also, can not get on top of this back and hip pain. The tramadol does help but if I take it 4 times a day I get so sleepy. I'm taking this on top of the voltarol and paracetamol at times and the occasional diazepam. Seems I will have to go down the MST route (long acting morphine tablets) as this pain is getting me down so much.

Met my oncologist in John lewis today. He seemed pleased to see me so hope that is a good sign that my brain scan, blood cultures and mri scan are Ok. Can't face the alternative of bad news.

AJ has been practising his double bass - it is certainly improving and I love the sound when it is in tune!!!

going to bed and hope I can be more upbeat tomorrow. Hubby not done washing up from tonight so don't know whether to leave it but then it will be a rush in the morning or load the dishwasher.

Kate