Friday - Firstly the district nurse came to flush out my line and sort out mine and AJ's prescriptions. At last, and hopefully we will get more than 1 box of 30 sachets of medicine for AJ. He needs 3 - 4 a day so 30 packs in a box does not last but the surgery computer did not want to be changed by a receptionist but soemhow the district nurse knew how to over ride the system.
Then my younger sister-in-law came round in the morning and gave me a huge hand with all the washing and drying of clothes and doing some shopping for me. It was such a relief to have a hand and i can thoroughly recommend her as a very thorough and efficient cleaner etc. It was a superb job - thank you so much.
In the afternoon, we went to John Lewis to buy a mattress for Woody and birthday pressies for friends and a pair of school trousers. Back to reality now!!!
Saturday and hubby was working so it was just Woody, Laura and AJ that went to an outdoor picnic party to celebrate their friends birthdays. It was lovely to be outside again and the children were all enjoying themselves when we suddenly looked up and could see this huge swathe of rain coming towards us. It was quick pack away and home. Then in the afternoon it was sunny which seemed a shame.
Being back home and catching up with news from friends on the breast cancer forums, I suddenly went into meltdown. It suddenly dawned on me that I had my last chemo in 2 weeks and that could potentially be it. No more regular options left - just trials and maybe recycled chemo which means I would lose my hair again. (I'd rather live longer with no hair but to lose it just now when it is coming back to normal seems unfair too) I feel so well at present - well, I mean for living with seccondary cancer and the realisation that as my cancer grows so quickly off chemo, if I get no more then I will only live for another 8 weeks or so and that has really spooked me and feel so unreal. I've really not coped at all. Been really tearful and will definately go and see the oncologist on the 24th April even if my bloods are not good enough for chemo as I need to know what options I've got here and ask for a referral to somewhere else if he refuses to treat me as I won't have time and be well enough if I leave it for 3 weeks after my last chemo.
It's made me have a night terror last night where I couldn't move, I could smell all sorts of different things and my hubby kept morphing into strange shapes and couldn't help me plus I was aware that my Ipod was still playing but that seemed all distorted as well. When I woke up I'd only been asleep for about 45 mins and that made me scared as well as I wondered if that was what it felt like when you were dying so I was up half the night and still feel so scared but there is nothing I can do until I see the specialist on the 24th as I'm busy this week and for the info I'd get now doesn't seem worth the effort when I could be spending this time with the children.
What a bump back to reality after a lovely time away.
I've been up half the night worrying. At the same time, I'm tired of having to fight but I feel so well and so scared of not being able to breathe again and not being able to swallow.
Then my younger sister-in-law came round in the morning and gave me a huge hand with all the washing and drying of clothes and doing some shopping for me. It was such a relief to have a hand and i can thoroughly recommend her as a very thorough and efficient cleaner etc. It was a superb job - thank you so much.
In the afternoon, we went to John Lewis to buy a mattress for Woody and birthday pressies for friends and a pair of school trousers. Back to reality now!!!
Saturday and hubby was working so it was just Woody, Laura and AJ that went to an outdoor picnic party to celebrate their friends birthdays. It was lovely to be outside again and the children were all enjoying themselves when we suddenly looked up and could see this huge swathe of rain coming towards us. It was quick pack away and home. Then in the afternoon it was sunny which seemed a shame.
Being back home and catching up with news from friends on the breast cancer forums, I suddenly went into meltdown. It suddenly dawned on me that I had my last chemo in 2 weeks and that could potentially be it. No more regular options left - just trials and maybe recycled chemo which means I would lose my hair again. (I'd rather live longer with no hair but to lose it just now when it is coming back to normal seems unfair too) I feel so well at present - well, I mean for living with seccondary cancer and the realisation that as my cancer grows so quickly off chemo, if I get no more then I will only live for another 8 weeks or so and that has really spooked me and feel so unreal. I've really not coped at all. Been really tearful and will definately go and see the oncologist on the 24th April even if my bloods are not good enough for chemo as I need to know what options I've got here and ask for a referral to somewhere else if he refuses to treat me as I won't have time and be well enough if I leave it for 3 weeks after my last chemo.
It's made me have a night terror last night where I couldn't move, I could smell all sorts of different things and my hubby kept morphing into strange shapes and couldn't help me plus I was aware that my Ipod was still playing but that seemed all distorted as well. When I woke up I'd only been asleep for about 45 mins and that made me scared as well as I wondered if that was what it felt like when you were dying so I was up half the night and still feel so scared but there is nothing I can do until I see the specialist on the 24th as I'm busy this week and for the info I'd get now doesn't seem worth the effort when I could be spending this time with the children.
What a bump back to reality after a lovely time away.
I've been up half the night worrying. At the same time, I'm tired of having to fight but I feel so well and so scared of not being able to breathe again and not being able to swallow.
Labels: Dying and future plans, night terror
posted by dippykate @ 7:52 PM
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