Glamorous ? - I think not
I've never thought that having cancer would be glamorous but I never expected to feel/look so freakish!! I expect now I've written that nobody will read the rest after that introduction but please persevere, I'm not intending to write anything that will put you off your tea. Blame James Blunt for this post. I heard his song 'Beautiful' and it reminded me of something that happened in radiotherapy that I htought I would share with you.
During radiotherapy sessions, the radiotherapists usually played music. Coldplay's X and Y seemed to be their favourite along with an 80's compilation. Occasionally they played soemthing different and one day they played the James Blunt CD and 'Beautiful' came on. For some reason it made me giggle which is not a good idea half way through being zapped. I didn't feel at all beautiful with very little hair, 1 boob and the other side of my chest all red and tatooed. It seemed very insensitive really and I know someone who was upset when this happened to them but for some reason it made me laugh. I couldn't imagine quite what I looked like but definately not 'beautiful'. Anyway, it seemed better to laugh than cry but I still can't hear that song without thinking of radiotherapy. I then started to think about how my body had changed in the last 9 months, especially as today my hair keeps falling out all over the keyboard and I really do not feel 'beautiful' in any shape or form.
Anyway, after hearing that song in radiotherapy and not feeling very good, things started to improve. The radiotherapy finished and the skin healed, my hair grew a bit more and everybody said I looked really good with short, black, curly hair. I began to feel a bit more 'normal'. It was rather frustrating, hearing everybody saying I looked great with short hair but I knew they were right. It seems I've spent most of my adult life with the wrong hair style and nobody told me!! - oh well another lesson learnt. My false boob didn't look too bad either. It at least had the right amount of 'natural droop' as it says on the box but then things went downhill. I developed lymphoedema (extra fluid) in my arm and got fitted with a delightful surgical stocking thing to keep the swelling down and then I started taxotere. I've now got joint problems and keep having problems walking especially when it's cold. My toes and fingers are numb and to add insult to injury my hair is falling out. I've gone bald at the top of my head but still have hair at the front and back. Interestingly, the less hair I've got, the more normal, brown colour has appeared and my hair looks straighter. I can't make up my mind if I look like someone who has forgotten to take their cap off after having highlights, a strange clown, or one of my favourite dolls as a child. I'd better explain about this last one. The problem with me and dolls was that I was a fanatical hair washer and all my dolls lost their curls or hair and frequently both!! I'm beginning to wonder if they have got their revenge on me after all these years? I've still got my Sindy doll and 'Susan' and I think I can hear them laughing now!! Help!!!
I was fed up with inhaling hair and my face and mouth itching all night so last night I resorted to cutting up a pair of tights and bunging that on what was left of my hair. What a sight!! Good job there were no bank robberies last night or they might have thought I'd done it!! Poor AJ looked rather shocked this morning when he came in to see me. He couldn't work out why I had a pair of tights on my head. Poor thing. Hope he doesn't tell anybody at school today.
Other bits of me that have definately gone downhill are my face and teeth. I've developed odd brown markings on my face which the consultant has told me has been caused by the steroids so that's another unexpected result.
A side effect of herceptin is a continually runny nose and guess what I've added that to my collection of interesting things my body has done since having chemo and herceptin!!
My teeth are in need of a good polish at the dentist but of course, I can't go because dental treatment is forbiddden on chemo and my dentist has just changed to private and I can't register at an NHS dentist! I just hope my fillings last until April.
I believe the next bits of your body to play up are finger and toe nails so that will really add to the 'wow' factor especially to go with all the other unglamorous things that have already happened to my body.
I wonder what will happen next but must go - I'm off to face the world for my birthday lunch with friends. Hope it's dark in there!!!
Will keep you posted of any other exciting developments!!

Second Taxotere
At least I wasn't dreading it so much this time but was still feeling apprehensive. I got there just about on time and was second on the list. Hurray!! No long wait this time but something went amiss and I was seen by the registrar as the 8th patient and then had to wait to see the consultant and so was delayed again!! I missed my aromotherapy session because of this and then the drugs got stuck in pharmacy so I had to wait ages and was last to be seen again!! I eventually left about 4pm. I'd had intravenous piriton so was quite sleepy in the treatment room or at least I think it was that that stopped me and my accomplice being able to do any crossword properly (either that or we're not as clever as we thought!!) Once home I was all zingy and couldn't sleep due to the steroids. I only slept for about 4 hours and was up by 0430am. I got a lot done in that time but I'm not sure if other people appreciated this. People must have wondered why they were getting emails sent at such a strange time!!
Unfortunately, by the morning the rash had come came back but at least not so vivd or widespread and the piriton did help me sleep. I'd had an email from someone who'd had the same problem with taxotere and her consultants hadn't been so concerned so I felt more reassured.
I didn't feel too bad friday or saturday but during saturday night the vague pains in my joints became really bad that I couldn't sleep and I was feeling flulike and I didn't know what to do with myself. I took the maximum dose of paracetamol, neurofen and codeine for the next 36 hours but the pain, cramping and flulike symptoms didn't ever go completely. I could hardly get up the stairs. By tuesday I didn't feel too bad as long as I was warm enough but if I was cold I seized up again. Wednesday morning, I felt fine until ........... I was going to walk the children to school but Woody seemed to have his sixth sense switched on (or otherwise is even lazier than I thought) and said it would be too much for my joints so I drove to school. I was so glad I did. I had to walk about 50yds to AJ's school and by that time I was hobbling with pain. I then drove to the twins junior school and had to see them across the road and by then I could hardly walk. I'm not sure what other people thought I'd been up to but I will leave that up to their imagination!. It gradually improved over the next few days and I can now run up the stairs and walk properly in the cold. Good job as we're away this weekend and it's supposed to be really cold. Our first night away from the children in 18 months so would be good to be well! It would have been even more appreciated if my hair had stayed until at least my birthday on monday but no life doesn't work like that. This week, my hair decided to part company from my scalp. Great timing - birthday lunch, staying in a B and B, going out on monday with the kids to Pizza Hut and really cold weather forecast. Don't think the scarves I had for the summer will be much good so will be living in fleece hats!!
Oh well 2 done so 4 to go. How will I react next time?
On a a good note, we've booked our summer holiday to Cornwall with my mum, sister and her family and I should be able to go swimming then and hopefully I'll have hair back by then. Don't know what it will look like - black and curly again or will it come back white this time? The stress is obviously getting to hubby. He managed to drive into the pillar between us and our neighbour last night and completely demolished it! Looking at the mark on the car, it wasn't even the side of the car but mid-boot. Worrying thing is he drives a big lorry in the day so watch out if you are in Hampshire!!

It's true! My invisible friend came to life!!

One of my earliest childhood memories is that of having an invisible friend. Like most invisible friends, this one was always to blame for anything naughty that happened. 'It wasn't me. It was him. He did it.' I'm sure you probably have experience of this kind of thing. Anyway, his name was Peter.
This name became very important to me or else I had a very serious lack of imagination when it came to naming male things. I had an Uncle Peter (infact I still do!!) then came a rabbit and a budgie. My obsession with this name became legendary in my family so we all thought it very funny when my sister starting seeing a Peter and joked it should have been me. My current boyfriend at the time was yet another non-Peter.
About a year later, having moved around between Kent and London and being on my own again, I decided to answer a lonely hearts advert in the local freebie paper. I left my name, telephone number and a few 'interesting' facts about myself on the telephone number and waited for a reply. That saturday I had decided to work in the garden and was busily trying to hammer in a stake for a plant . I gave the stake one more blow and the hammer bounced back and hit me on the head at the same time as the phone rang. I answered it with the classic line 'you'll have to excuse me, I've just hit myself over the head with a hammer'. In retrospect, I think the caller should have just put the phone down but I'm very glad to say he didn't. I listened to his amazing voice and then he said his name. Yes, his name was Peter and we started to see each other regularly and the rest as they say is history.

Another Friday, another trip to the hospital
After a miserable week suffering from the side effects ofthe taxotere, I felt so poorly on Friday morning that I knew I had to go in and see the chemotherapy team. I had 2 infected toe nails, a sore throat, conjunctivitis and the radiotherapy area was raw and weeping and my guts still hadn't recovered. To make matters worse the twins were also poorly. After 2 phone calls, 2 friends arrived - one to look after the poorly twins and one to look after poorly me. Not sure who got the worse deal!! Once at the hospital, I had the usual blood tests, saw the doctors, had swabs done and waited for results inbetween chatting to my friend who I hadn't seen for 2 weeks so we had a lot of chatting to do!! Eventually, I got the results and was told I was neutropaenic, meaning I had no white blood cells to fight infections but as I didn't have a temperature I could go home. 4 hours after arriving I went home with loads of supplies of antibiotics, painkillers and dressings. Now I must remember to take them and also renew my prepaid prescription certificate as it runs out this week. It seems very odd that although I get all the chemo free, I have to pay for all the things to ease the side effects of the chemo like the anti-sickness pills, antibiotics etc!!
Hopefully, next friday I can avoid seeing the hospital again!!

The Trouble with Doorbells ............

Is that they don't work in/at our house!! As a community nurse I've spent the last 15 years using other people's doorbells and these all seem to work and make pleasant noises. Why in our house can't we have a doorbell that does what it says on the packet? When we moved into this house 8 years ago, the door bell sounded like it had terrible indigestion. It didn't as much ring or ding, it did a double burp. As the twins were only 3 weeks old and being new parents, we didn't want this extra noise on top of the already 'windy' babies who were more than capable of making this particular sound so the parents-in-law bought us a new doorbell which, as it said on the packet, went 'ding dong'. The only problem was it went 'ding dong' so quietly we never heard it. Being busy we just left it. People who knew us knocked, and we 'accidentally' ignored unwanted salesmen. We then needed a new door and the doorbell and its box were unceromoniously cut. Because the new door was a metal framed PVCu one, fitting a new bell was less than straightforward. Having no doorbell was not too much of a problem as we'd never heard it anyway. My parents-in-law had different ideas and so bought us a new battery operated one with a remote box. This lasted 2 rings before it stopped working. Not to be discouraged, they then bought us another one. This didn't work at all. Now this sounded all very familiar to us as we had been pestering the in-laws for months over their unreliable bell but "oh no" they said, "There's nothing wrong with our door bell"! Feeling guilty or defiant (we're not quite sure which) they bought us yet another one. The pad was then stuck on the outside and the ringtone maker plugged in the hall. This was a very posh one and had a choice of tunes including a barking dog and various lullabies. We chose 'ding dong' being of the idea that this was the least offensive and unlikely to cause us to self harm. This seemed to work quite well until we seemed to fall victim to a phantom doorbell ringer who preferred a different tune. When we came to our senses and stemmed the bleeding wounds we noticed it seemed to fall into a regular pattern of 7.30am, weekdays only and one day after listening to a variant on 'Now I know my ABCs' and dashing outside in my PJs, I've worked out why it is happening but not how to stop it or why it plays a different tune. Everyday at 7.30am, our neighbour uses his remote control to open his car and everyday at 7.30am our doorbell starts its rant. Now what do we do? Two ideas spring to mind; either we persuade the inlaws to buy us a self adhesive, PVCu friendly door knocker or we find daily, new and inventive ways to knacker our neighbours car and force him to walk to work. Both ideas are, lets face it unexecutable. Any ideas greatly appreciated.

First Taxotere
I thought I was just going for the herceptin so decided to go on my own as I couldn't see it would be a problem. I saw the oncologist who suggested I start the taxotere today. I was feeling very chilled as I'd just had aromotherapy and so agreed. My mum had been unable to return home due to snow so it meant I had extra help and it was also a Bank Holiday so hubby home as well. I got hold of hubby so he could come and drive me home. I had a mega dose of steroid to reduce the risk of allergic reaction and had no problems. I just felt a bit spaced out but I was well used to that feeling. That night I didn't sleep at all but never looked in the mirror either. Big mistake - at 8am I looked in the bathroom and saw a red rash under my chin, chest and back. After phoning the hospital I knew I had to go in. Hubby had gone to work and his phone was off!! Useful!! I had to phone a friend who came out at 8.3o to take me to hospital. She was quiet as she'd only just woken up and I was as high as a kite with all this steroid and no sleep. (better than a crying wreck I'm sure). I was a bit shocked when I was shown a bed when i was expecting to sit in the waiting area. After an hour I saw a doctor who had to discuss me with his consultant before they gave me more steroids and antihistamine. I had to wait another 30 minutes for pharmacy by which timne I looked as if I had a big shaving rash all over my face - I don't know how my friend kept a straight face. Anyway, by 4pm the side effect of the anti-histamine was over-ruling the wide awakeness of the steroids and I slept for 2 hours. Saturday I managed a short shopping trip to get trainers for Woody and failed with school shoes for Laura. Another sleep in the afternoon and then off to friends for New Year. Lovely food and company - thanks. Laura and Woody have slept over but we had to bring AJ back who is currently asleep in our bed. Please sleep in tomorrow AJ.