Not good news - feel I've been here before and keep hoping that they've made a mistake but this time I know deep down it's true.
Hubby and I went to see the consultant on thursday and after a 2 hour wait we saw the senior oncologist. I felt this did not bode well and I was right. However, I wasn't prepared for the double whammy. The onclogist had reviewed my hip xray and now feels there is evidence of spread there. They are going to get the radiologist to review it again but he seemed pretty sure and was offering radiotherapy for treatment on my hip and lump in my armpit. They don't see the point of operating to remove the lump which feels shocking. Now got to have another bone scan and CT scan to see if it has spread further. I don't now when that will be. We don't feel it is right to tell the children yet until we know more what is happening but of course they sense something is wrong. They all are so cuddly and kissing me at the moment and as i was writing this tonight both Woody and AJ have been downstairs in tears after having a bad dream that they can't explain. Although, we are trying to be 'normal', children always sense something is wrong. Perhaps, we should tell them something vague now but I can't face it.
We also can't really tell hubby's parents or his brother as they go on holiday tomorrow. My poor mum is so upset and desparate to come over but I can't face seeing people really.
I've had lots of support from the breast cancer forums which is helpful but I want to just run away and sit on a beach and find pretty shells and stones and try and forget what is happening. Hubby's in a right state and has indigestion problems and is tetchy and upset. I think it is harder for others at present than me and I don't know what to do. I'm now not at work for the next 3 weeks as I can't face it but neither can I face being here on my own. At least, hubby off for 3 days now and children off for 2 more weeks.
Back this thursday for herceptin - not sure what godd it is doing but could be worse I suppose if wasn't having it.

Then the guinea pig died - this is not becoming a good month. The children had been having a brilliant time with their childminder and had spent the day shopping with for new clothes for their teddies and going to shhh, dare I mention it to McDonalds and then I picked them up. I asked Laura to take Rosie and Snowy out of the hutch and into the run as it had stopped raining. Suddenly, Laura was hysterical and sobbing that Rosie was dead. I peered inside and it was undeniably true, poor Rosie was dead. We had a little burial service for her and Laura cried even more. That night, Laura couldn't eat and didn't settle to sleep till 1am as she was so upset.
We were going to Kent the next day to spend the week with my mum and a lot of the journey was spent with her sobbing and kissing the photos of the guinea pigs. Once we were there. Laura coped better with the distractions of being on holiday.
I had to return monday afternoon and in the end opted for the train to London and coach to Souuthampton option. I got a takeaway and went to the neighbours house for a well deserved glass of wine or 2 or 3 or so.
The next day, I got taken to the hospital for the ultrasound and needle biopsy of my lump. It was very traumatic and painful as the doctor decided not to use local anaesthetic. As the lump was 3 cm deep, it needed a long needle. The doctor felt it was not suspicious and I returned to Kent and my holiday.
Kent was good and I took AJ and Laura to Port Lympne which was fascinating even if it did drizzle. I spotted the Vic Reeves Giraffe House - very small affair I thought but intrigued to see it. We saw baby chameleons and lots of baby apes and gibbons. Hubby took Woody to the Battle of Britain Museum. My poor mum was suffering with a foot infection so she didn't come out with us much.
Back home on the saturday and back to work!!

August - yes I know it's only early days but i'm not happy. Last night I found a lump in my other armpit and it hurts. Fortunately, the next day, I had a herceptin appointment. So today, I've been there. I've had my echo for my heart which was OK. A hip xray which was OK and an ultrasound on the lump which showed 'a lump'. As it was holiday and lunchtime, they couldn't do a biopsy so will have to go back next week. The consultant radiographer said it was 'architectually consistent with inflammation' but no explanation of what is causing the inflammation so now it's sit and wait time. The oncologist was cautiously optimistic which is unlike him so let's hope he is right. It's been a hard evening and although I've tried to be normal, Woody suspects something and AJ wouldn't settle tonight so will have to try acting 'normal' better.
Another good thing - I've got another vein that works - hurray!!

July - new month, new holiday. This time, we went to Perranporth. My 18 yr old niece also came along with her 2 younger sisters and my sister and my mum plus husbands. Weather was Ok. Everybody else was having a heatwave but not Cornwall. we were glad though - it would not have been pleasurable in a caravan. My hip remained very painful and really restricted my walking. Although, my ability to walk was not helped by my continued breathlessness. It seemd like we'd gone back in the passtwhen we used to go out with Nanny. I had to keep stopping and let everybody go on ahead of me. My 70 yr old mum even had to buy me a chair to sit on cos I was struggling to get on and off the floor!! I even found myself doing the funny breathing noises like she used to do!! The children got on well and infact we hardly saw Laura at all. She spent all her time in her cousin's caravan and so of course she was devastated when it was time to leave. A highlight was a trip out on a RIB but we didn't see any sea mammals at all or sunfish so that was diappointing but the ride was terrific. Everyone but me and mum went body boarding and everyone really enjoyed it. I think the quote of the week belongs to Woody. 'Mum. I really don't see the point of having a shower tonight, I'm only going to get dirty tomorrow.'
The twins were back to school for a week and then had their mon -friday residential at a study centre. They really enjoyed it and I don't think Laura wanted to come home. They saw badgers there and they both enjoyed the adventure playground. They were both awarded birdwatchers certificates so they were very proud. At least, Woody came home with clothes that had been worn so that was an improvement from the cub camp weekend where he came home in the same clothes that he left in!!

JUNE - The beginning of June saw us going to Lemnos, Greece. After much repacking and re-repacking, we set off with 2 suitcases, a kitbag and 5 lots of handluggage and found the hotel right next to Gatwick north. The children were very impressed by the chrome bunkbeds and the views of the aircraft coming in. After much deliberation ,we decided it would be easier to take the car to the special carpark that evening rather than at 4am. This involved a long drive going up and down the dual carriageway. Leaving the car near Gatwick south and getting a bus back from there to the airport and then another to the hotel.
We got up at 4.30am and got the bus to the terminal and got through all passport control etc without a hitch. The aircraft even left near enough on time. The landing was a bit painful on the ears. Lemnos airport is so small that we were the only aircraft there. The transfer went smoothly for us but 6 groups of people had lost their luggage. The hotel was beautiful. We had a second floor adjoining rooms so the children were very impressed with having thier own bathroom and balcony.
We had a brilliant time there but the same can't be said for the weather. It rained 2 days and was quite windy. The children's clubs were great and they enjoyed some of the activities but they will never be sailors!! The highlight for us was seeing AJ waterskiing on the 50m swimming pool. The small children were dragged along by 2 men using ropes through pulleys and they did actually ski. Laura enjoyed kayaking and Woody liked going out on the rescue boat. Pete went out on the mountain bike but had a very scary experience in a thunderstorm with lightening up the mountain with radiomasts on. I went out on a laser with a scottish couple and with Pete and the instructor on a catamarang. It was fun. I even managed a little kayaking and snorkelling.
The best bit for us was the almost full board and children's clubs. The food was fantastic. Laura had spaghetti bolognase everyday for lunch and lots of fruit everyday. Woody hardly ate anything apart from pancakes every morning. AJ discovered a liking for melon. Pete and I ate everything especially the salads, fruit, different meat, fish even duck and a curry and the puddings and the yogurts etc etc. I gained all the weight I'd lost which was disappointing!!
The end of the week came too fast and it was back to the UK and the discovery that the car had been hit in the car park!!
That was June!!

JUNE - The beginning of June saw us going to Lemnos, Greece. After much repacking and re-repacking, we set off with 2 suitcases, a kitbag and 5 lots of handluggage and found the hotel right next to Gatwick north. The children were very impressed by the chrome bunkbeds and the views of the aircraft coming in. After much deliberation ,we decided it would be easier to take the car to the special carpark that evening rather than at 4am. This involved a long drive going up and down the dual carriageway. Leaving the car near Gatwick south and getting a bus back from there to the airport and then another to the hotel.
We got up at 4.30am and got the bus to the terminal and got through all passport control etc without a hitch. The aircraft even left near enough on time. The landing was a bit painful on the ears. Lemnos airport is so small that we were the only aircraft there. The transfer went smoothly for us but 6 groups of people had lost their luggage. The hotel was beautiful. We had a second floor adjoining rooms so the children were very impressed with having thier own bathroom and balcony.
We had a brilliant time there but the same can't be said for the weather. It rained 2 days and was quite windy. The children's clubs were great and they enjoyed some of the activities but they will never be sailors!! The highlight for us was seeing AJ waterskiing on the 50m swimming pool. The small children were dragged along by 2 men using ropes through pulleys and they did actually ski. Laura enjoyed kayaking and Woody liked going out on the rescue boat. Pete went out on the mountain bike but had a very scary experience in a thunderstorm with lightening up the mountain with radiomasts on. I went out on a laser with a scottish couple and with Pete and the instructor on a catamarang. It was fun. I even managed a little kayaking and snorkelling.
The best bit for us was the almost full board and children's clubs. The food was fantastic. Laura had spaghetti bolognase everyday for lunch and lots of fruit everyday. Woody hardly ate anything apart from pancakes every morning. AJ discovered a liking for melon. Pete and I ate everything especially the salads, fruit, different meat, fish even duck and a curry and the puddings and the yogurts etc etc. I gained all the weight I'd lost which was disappointing!!
The end of the week came too fast and it was back to the UK and the discovery that the car had been hit in the car park!!
That was June!!

Time to catch up - Seems that I have written anything for a long time. Now have so much to write I will have to split it into sections so not to bore you rigid. so now pretend, it is April/May time.
Firstly, bone scan results - my left hip had become very painful just before the scan so I was very relieved to find that all the scan showed was that I had a degenerative disc in my thoracic vertebrae. In other, words I'm getting old!! My hip pain has been put down to the limping because of my verucca on the other foot and I started voltarol to help the pain. This did help but made me really sleepy. I wasn't expecting that. Ok - I know it says so on the packet but I don't recall it happening before.
My hip pain was a nuisance. I couldn't dance at a Hen party for very long at all and I miss doing things like that.
My herceptin carried on as usual and I even progressed to seeing the nurse instead of the doctor on altenate visits.
These months also saw the twins birthdays and AJ's. Can't think of anything disastrous about the twins birthday celebration, but Aj's turned into a farce. I'd booked a clown and he never sent me his form to return for me to pay the deposit. I kept ringing and got no reply. 3 days before the party, I'd heard nothing and so faced with the prospect of no entertainment for 10 6 yr old kids, I booked a bouncy castle. No sooner than I had paid the money but the clown left a message to say he was coming. Saturday dawned and we had the castle and the clown. One boy freaked out so much at the sight of the clown, that I had to get his mum back to calm him down. Then another boy, freaked out by the sight of balloons. I was so glad that the mum came back as I needed the help with the tea part as my hubby's idea of helping was to take photos of the morris minor! Anyway, it all passed peacefully and that is the last big party for the children now. Next year it is special treats with a maximum of 3 friends!!
move onto June