I've had an eventful week and so I suppose my eventful week impacts on everybody else as well.
I went back to work this week. I couldn't work monday as Laura had one of her stomach aches and spent most of the day in bed which is also what I did. However, I spent quite a while writing a tribute to my friend who had died the week before. It was difficult for many reasons but mainly because I knew her sister and brother and a roman catholic priest would be there. That rather diminished what I could say!!!! I also did the ironing - there is a reason why I'm telling you this but wait and see.
Tuesday, I went to work and I had to use my security pass 4 times I think to get into the office and 3 times to go to the loo and twic to go to the kitchen!!! Presumably, the people who had used the office before us had problems with either staff running away or definately trying to put them off using facilities too many times!! In the afternoon, I went to my friends memorial service. It was a lovely service and very emotional -there were tears of laughter as well as sadness. It was odd as her body had gone upto London before going to Australia. In many ways, that did make it easier and instead they had a bottle of australian red, a teddy bear, the australian flag and the St georges flag and pictures of friends and family. It made us smile seeing the wine as that was what she would ahve wanted!! The priest struggled to say 'the Gobby Gang' -it's probably not a word used in the roman catholic vocabulary!!! There was a place where we read the tributes. That was hard as it was being videoed so the rest of her family could see how loved she was here. I was the 3rd to speak and suddenly became quite paranoid I would fall over as if I stand too long on my left leg I tend to topple over. I had visions of appearing on 'you've been framed'!!!
It was a privledge to read the tribute as I could see how everyone was reacting so could see if i made them laugh or if I made them sad.
We ended up in the pub drinking red aussie wine and admiring one of the Gobby Gang's new nipple. She had reconstruction after her mastectomy. The nipple was amazing but it must have looked very odd having a troupe of women allgoing off to the ladies and giggling. The family gave us all a bottle of red aussie wine to take home - again remember this!! I'm not impressed that after 10pm it is impossible to buy a cup of tea either at Reading station or on the virgin train.
I went to work wednesday morning and then went to tesco. I should avoid that place something always horrible happens there. This time I developed chest pain whilst shopping. I was walking beside the helper and she was putting all the shopping in the trolley so was doing nothing more strenuous than walking and pointing. it was quite central but also to the right side. All I could think of was I had to finish the shopping as the cupboards were bare. I got my friend to unpack my shopping and put it all away and then we went to another friend's house where there was a house group and gatecrashed that to organise childcare. Hubby had left his mobile at home and the dispatch office was always engaged so ended up phoning the shop so they could pass the message on that I was going to A and e as I had chest pain and there were no beds on oncology. This was quite a farce as I had to see the triage nurse and then the casualty doctor who was clueless about cancer treatment and couldn't find my veins. he made 2 attempts at putting a venflon in and twice punctured my artery for blood and then the back of my hand. As it seemed it was a blood clot - I thought it was because I was dehydrated by the wine the night before!!! I had an injection of anticlotting stuff in my tummy - it felt like a wasp sting!! I wasn't impressed. My poor friend who had taken me up there had to go eventually after sorting me out. I also had an ecg there. They did find me a cheese and ham sandwich - what is it with NHS tomatoes -they taste most odd. I needed the food cos I needed to take the chemo tablets.
Eventually, I was moved to the care of the elderly ward where I discovered they had an outbreak of norovirus so wasn't impressed. I was also next to an old man. I was see by another doctor and had to complete a dementia test - ie who is the royal sovreign, my age, the date, remembering an address and the date of WW1. I could not remember the date at all but he gave me the point anyway so eventually I did get 10/10. I had to have another ecg. The blood test was too low for a blood clot but was higher than normal due ot the chemo. The original bloods had clotted so another assistant took more blood which she did really easily. Why do doctors persist in taking blood when they can't do it and cause their patients untold misery and pain?
The doctor was concerned because my blood test the week before showed my white blood cell count was low so after 7 days of chemo it would be almost non-existant. He got me moved to the oncology ward at 1030pm. My chest pain increased again so I had some oromorph which helped but I couldn't get to sleep as the woman next to me was playing her radio till midnight when I asked for it to be turned off!! But I got woken up every 2 hours by the other patients nebulisers. I also got woken up at 1am by the oncology doctor and had to have another ecg as it showed further changes. I was in the middle of dreaming about Terry Wogan - why?????!!!!!! I got woken up again at 4am and my BP was 85/45 so the nurse made me wiggle about and it then went up to 90/55!!!
The next day my pain was better but I was so tired i spent the day sleeping even in Xray!! I couldn't see the point of having an xray as it is mainly white anyway but they wanted to do it. By this stage, the pain was very localised over my sternum so they think it is either a new bony secondary or the lymph ones have infiltrated my muscle or nerve. I got discharged at 5pm and am still unsure whetehr I am going to have a bone scan or a chest Ct scan. I do know the referral to the Marsden has been done - hurray.
Since then I've been tired and had plenty of siestas, late morning s and early nights.
So was this chest pain caused by me ironing or drinking or carrying the red wine or just the thought of tescos that caused the pain!!
I know have bruises that look as if the ones at my wrist are going to join the bruises at my elbow and of course all the children keep touching them!! My toes are just as manky.
We had a lovely dinner at my inlaws today - it was so lovely to have a roast dinner I hadn't cooked and then I came home and slept again.

Feeling happier - the beetroot's gone from the fridge and the bowl washed out, the IPod is functioning and after refusing to allow me yesterday to upload all of the Take That CD onto it - (for some reason only the last 2 songs had transfered to the iPod), i've now got all of the CD on it so can go to sleep happily with it tonight.
Yesterday afternoon, I colected AJ from schooland we went into town to spnd his birthday money on some ATOM toys. That means Alpha Teens on Machines and is the new kind of action man. He was so happy to come out with me alone and choose his toys that I think it made up for all the upset on his birthday.
Today, we had to take Snowy to the vet as her fur had started to fall out and she big bald patches. The vet didn't really know what was wrong but gave her 2 injections - an insecticide and a painkiller for the sum of £22 and we've got to go back next week. Unfortunately, this was what happened to Rosie shortly before she died so rather worried about how Laura would take that news.
My friend came down with wetsuits for laura to try on for sea scouts -what a palava to get them on and not get her hair caught in the zip!! So it was great to see her and have a chat. We're hoping between us that we can organise for me and Pete to go out on a yacht in the Solent as it is something I want to do but between us we have so many commitments it will be a miracle if it happens.
This morning the twins played a video clip from YouTube that they had to write questions about. It was quite a basic animation but had beautiful piano music accompanying it. After lots of searching, we found it comes from the French film, Amelie so now I'm on a search for the soundtrack especailly after watching the film this evening. Amazon are selling the soundtrack for £25 which seems steep so if anybody has any ideas where I can get the complete soundtrack to Amelie for half the price I'd be grateful!! Cheap skate I know!!
AJ went out this afternoon with his friend and the twins and a friend went to the GP surgery fete and I had a massive sleep. Hubby had come home in the first hour of my sleep but I slept for 3 hours which was too long as now of course I don't want to go to bed.
I am very aware that this rib cartilage is definately more painful when I've been driving or lifting things so that is another good excuse not to do any house work then!! I've been thinking that I used to take voltarol for pain every day and now I only take it on somedays so perhaps I should go back to taking them as it is annoying me and making me grumpy. My toe nails are still bad but am so grateful that I've lost so much feeling in my toes or I think they would be agony.
Tomorrow I'm meeting up with my little gang and we will drink lots of aussie red wine as a tribute and then we need to write something to say at the Memorial service. Still feel sad but feeling generally more chirpier than yesterday.
I'm sure I was going to tell you some exciting news about my laundry but have totally forgotten what it was - Please don't be too devastated that you can not read about my latest laundry escapade - it will come back to me and you can hear another tale about odd socks etc

On Tuesday, my dear friend originating from Australia died. She died about an hour after I'd left and this has left me feeling very sad and vulnerable. As I said previously, I'm the only one left out of the people who contacted me after my terrible pathology report following my operation Set 05. Although I have made more friends since either in the cyber world or by meeting them, it feels very odd that I'm the one that is left when I was the first to run into further problems. We've also lost a member of our Gobby Gang that only formed in October 06 when we met at a younger women's breast cancer weekend. She had such wit and humour and was such a help to me in her terms of her extensive medical knowledge of what to push for but was the only one that I could feel only truly comfortable discussing death and funerals etc with. I know I discuss this with lots of you and do really value the time you give me but somehow it really helped discussing this with someone else also in the same boat.
Before I left to see her in hospital, I went with AJ on his school trip to the maritime museum and to see the Titanic exhibition. I didn't realise how long they had before the first warnings of icebergs to when they hit one and that the watch out had forgotten his key to the binoculars so saw the iceberg too late for the ship to take avoiding action. The children got a chance to dress up and read out lines about what happened - that was sad enough before I even had set off to see my friend.
I was halfway there on the train when I got a text saying the doctors had said it would only be a matter of hours so I prayed that she would hold ontil I got there. Once at the hospital, I met her brother and sister who were so lovely. They let me have a few moments with her on my own and the nurse made me a cup of tea. I felt so priviledged to have that time on my own when they had had such a little time with her. On the journey home, I felt that she had gone and when I got the message it was the same time. I also had the same feeling when my Dad died as I was back here then and was hanging out the washable nappies when I had that feeling he'd just died and again I was right.
Since then I've been a bit distracted and so poor AJ's birthday was a bit unorganised!! We wrapped his presents late the night before and only decorated the room when he was school.I managed to blow up 8 balloons which I felt was a massive achievement!! hubby bought his cake with him after school and I still haven't organiseda party for him so feel disappointed on his behalf. He enjoyed his birthday tea and is looking forward to buying more things with his birthday money.
Yesterday, I had my hospital appointment. It was a very slow process - so no surprises there then!! There was only 1 doctor for the first hour and I had wanted to see him but by 123o when my appointment was 945am I was happy to see the one who always gives me bad news!!! He has agreed to refer me to the Royal Marsden to see if I can get onto the extended access scheme for tykerb. This drug will not be licenced till about the end of august/sept so is far too late for me. I hope this referral goes through quickly as he is known for forgetting things so I will be nagging his secretary. I've restarted the tablet chemo and see how it goes. The Ct scan results hadn't shown a lot of change apart from the liver one has got bigger but is still only 3cm so is small still.
Wil let you know how I get on as the Ipod is just misfunctioning and don't know if I've lost everything or not!! Help!!

since I last posted i've been travelling around a bit. I went to High Wycombe for a meeting about living with secondary breast cancer and stayed in a very lovely hotel courtesy of the Breastcancercare charity. It was good to meet other women in the same boat and listen to their experiences and of course, I always enjoy an uninterupted morning on my own and they even arranged for me to have breakfast in bed. I even got a train seat which surprised me at 5pm. I had got very annoyed with Virgin the night before as they would not let me book a seat and I knew I could not stand for that long. Still mean to write to them as I'm going back again soon for the second part.
Saturday night, hubby and I went to his sister's 40th birthday. It was unbelievably warm and we managed to sit outside till 11pm and it was only the 28th April - amazing and frightening at the same time.
Monday - we went to have our photos done at Venture. It was mainly good fun until Woody accidently elbowed AJ and we had floods of tears and temper tantrums. It was difficult to get him back into the swing of things. We had bought various things with us like my knitting, lego, x-box contoller, Saints shirt, teddies etc and of course 5 of my penguins. WE sat lined up with the penguins but AJ was deterined his orang-u-tang was going to be in the picture. It took a lot of cajoling to allow a photo to be taken without the orang -u-tang and then 1. That will be interesting - a line up of penguins and then an orang-u-tang!!
Tuesday, I set off to Gloucestershire to see my poorly friend in hospital. Luckily, another friend came with me so we could support each other. We also tracked down one of her work colleagues who is a good friend so she could fill us in. It was very upsetting to see our friend in such a poorly state and she obviously hadn't realised how poorly she had become so quickly. Her family were coming over from Australia and it's been touch and go whether they would get there in time. All day I've been waiting for that phonecall to say this horrific disease has claimed another young life.
It is a very odd feeling as the 2 people who I kept in contact with after they contacted me in Sept 05 after receiving my disastrous results post surgery have both had liver secondaries and not lived long. I now feel I am living on borrowed time as I am fast running out of chemo options. This week has not been good on that front - 2 other people from the forums that post a lot have now got secondaries. This is very scary and makes me wonder about the stats they quote about survival with breat cancer. It has made me feel I need to get on with planning things and organising what I want for my crematorium and getting on with memory boxes and photo albums. I would hate to leave a mess behind and for people not to know what I wanted. I have a very beautiful book with pretty flowers on which has become my 'death book' so will contain all the things that other people will need to know at that time.
This journey to Glos took a toll on my feet. All day I kept feeling I had a piece of paper between my toes and my foot but couldn'tsee anything until the train home when i discovered a massive blister going underneath 3-4 of my toes. I did pop itbutit filled up again so spent the next few days hobbling plus the hot feeling I had before with the chemo. I finished this course on thursday so akm now feeling better but my finger nails are cracking and so is my skin on my hands and feet. I'm going through hand cream like water.
Saturday -after going to the CO-Op and into town I just became overcome with tiredness. Unfortunately, hubby was working and after trying to pour milk into the frying pan I gave up and phoned a friend to help. She took them off to the BBQ and hubby wnet after he came back from work and I just slept.
Today, I feel more human and my feet are definately better. My sister and family came down. Woody, his cousin and uncle went to the Saints v Southend match which they did enjoy and the rest of us went to the Sealife Centre.
That is that apart from I've still got some beetroot in my fridge in a bowl and I need someone to empty it out and clean the pot. I'm so phobic about beetroot I cannot even bear to touch the bowl and there is no way I could wash it out so if you are passing this way and want to help - please can you dispose of the beetroot and wash the bowl cos I'm nearly having panic attacks each time I open the fridge!! I suppose that would be a novel way to lose weight!!