Sunday 6th July
Had a very lazy sunday morning and just lolled around in my PJs until after lunch. I then tried to make an aqueous bath as fun as possible by using the shower hose to get as much bubbles and foam as i could. That 's the problem with skin after radiotherapy, you can not use scented products on it and as this area is quite big, the only thing to do is to put scoopfuls of cream in and sloosh till bubbly and then hope you don't fall over when getting out!!
Bay 1 has the reputation of being the boozy one!!! We'd missed out the other evening and we made sure we didn't tonight and all got our drinks.
I'd spent the afternoon filling out the memory books for the children, It's so heart wrenching - 'What are your ambitions for the future', 'how can you change things?' There is no nice answer to that - of course, my answer would be to be well, see the kids grow up and we all grow old together as friends and family but horrible to think about my lack of future.
The other women in the bay have been lovely and quite delightful at times. We've had some good jokes and moans as well We've had a good camaraderie and looked after each other emotionally - I'm the only one that can do things physically and that's very limited and I won't do it unless I'm sure it will not hurt me.
Last night, 2 of them started to go downhill quite rapidly and it has left me feeling very distressed. They are in the mid 70s so have led full lives upto now but it is horrible and scary seeing them suddenly deteriorate so rapidly and the stress you can see on the families' faces. I couldn't settle last night as one lady kept moaning, very softly but it upset me to see her like this and I didn't understand why they didn't call in her family as she wanted company and I wanted to sit and hold her hand but of course didn't as I wanted to sleep and i don't know her wishes or feeliongs about this as well. The other lady has been so normally bright and optomistic and hopeful she would adapt to her physical difficulties but suddenly went downhill with a chest infection last night and to hear her breathing so badly and getting so distressed about it upset me greatly. They called her family in at 6am but they are looking lost and confused and I'm beginning to wonder if they were ever aware of how poorly she really was when she came over here and if they thouoght she would go home.
It's suppossed to be rest time but I can't lie and pretend to go to sleep in a bay with 2 dying women and their greiving families. The other side of the Hospice has also got dying younger women so big families are there who are rightly upset over that side so running out of places to be quiet and do what I want to do and be discrete about it. I need a lovely little room or the rain to stop so I can be outside and that's not happening either now.
Onto better things - we did wonder if the Men's tennis would ever finish yesterday or if the nurses would find us all collapsed and exhausted with the tension of the points and rain breaks. We survived but in the end I lost interest which seemed a shame after all that effort.
Today, still sorting out finance and school things and must ring dentist for Woody as his tooth hasn't fallen out yet.
I have seen the chaplain which has given me peace and communion and now I'm on the internet so that's good for my head.

Hubby was delivering our new mattress on saturday as he was working. I had to recruit the children into clearing a pathway into the bedroom so that the mattress could be delivered without knocking or breaking anything. Found the odd thing that had been missing for a while and umpteen unfinished crossword books. Not sure whether to be really sad and jsut cut out the ones I would do so I can get rid of this huge pile. We then had a well deserved sweet treat and rest. Actually, the week had caught up with me but luckily hubby had finished work early so spent the afternoon in bed. Then had to go food shopping for our usual pizza treat on a saturday. Whilst there, Woody persuaded me to buy the Mr Bean's Holiday DVD - it seemed the better option than the Robinson Family - honestly!!! Hubby hadn't seen the film so he found it very funny.
Beginning to panic now about my numbness and swellng in my arm. Trying to convince myself that it is innocent but have an awful feeling that there is either spread up in my shoulder and now not sure if there is a lump in my neck as well. It doesn't help that about a month ago, one of my friend's who had previously been clear from her cancer, developed secondaries whilst on chemo and then was diagnosed with tumours in her brain and so has been very poorly. It also would have been my Ozzy's friend's 40th birthday on 22nd September and it is also the first anniversary of the death of another email friend who died very quickly so feeling very vulnerable at the moment. At least, I've got the wedding renewal day to organise to keep my brain busy with other non-cancer things.
Sunday, I went to London to meet the rest of our little gang to 'celebrate' our Ozzy's friends 40th birthday. I could not find the venue so one of them had to come out of the place to meet me outside The Hippodrome and we still couldn't see each other until we were about 2 foot apart!!! The wine was lovely but not so sure about the food. We shared tiger prawns in a chilli sauce and satay chicken which tasted lovely but portions small. I then had pasta which I had to send back as it was cold. They did reheat it but it was a bit disconcerting!! I then had pavlova as that was one of my ozzy's friends favourite dishes so we felt we could not let her down by not having any. Again, this was very soft and undercooked. That night I flet very hot and quite unwell and by the morning, the toilet was fast becoming my best friend. I perked up after 4 imodium tablets in 4 hours and was jsut about well enough to go out to meet my oxford friend for coffee at Mand S. They have changed the location of the cafe but it is so tiny now but at least you can hear each other talk. Presumably, when they have finished upgrading the store a bigger cafe will be built - I love their coffee and cake!!
We had a nice afternoon chatting etc.
In the evening, the twins and i went to see one of the secondary schools. It was shambolic!! The problem is they are closing the local mixed school and building a new Foundation Academy run by a Christain based organisation. This will be built on the existing boy's school site which is probably just under 2miles away. The teacher's from both schools are having to reapply for their jobs as they are combining the 2 schools so not many teachers turned up and some of those that did were not bothered about talking to parents. Saying that the prefects doing the tours were wonderful and there was some impressive artwork etc up. The head teacher#s are leaving so it will be a new head with a mixture of new and old teachers. They can not say when the new school will be built - apparently the council have been so slow in trying to access money the new school may not open till 2011/12 when the twins will be in Year 10!!! The old school is in desparate need of new facilities yet the one they are closing down has recently been refurbished. This was all supposed to have happened last year but cos of the council's laxadasical attitude and competency, it still has not happened. All Oasis wanted to talk about was what their ethos was all about building confidence and life skills and nothing concrete about actaully getting an education to get GCSEs. Most schools are pushing the life skills anyway - what I want is to know that the level of education will be good. I don't think the school did itself any favours by showing us the 'exclusion' rooms where unruly pupils are kept/taught!! Not the best selling point in the world is it!!!!
We have to make a decision by 19th Oct so going to see another school this evening. I have spoken to this school's deputy today who gave me much more faith that their pastoral care is good and obviously for us this is a big facor. Will have to get a letter from the school or maybe the onc so that the children fit into 'special needs'category as it is out of catchment area but the junior school is still a feeder school to this other school but it was previously an all girl's school so you have that worry about how much experience the teachers have of teaching boys. Hard decisions that I don't want to make!!
On the wedding front, thanks to everybody who has replied and have been busy talking to the caterer and bought banqueting rolls and napkins. Now need to sort out cutlery - thought you might appreciate that if you are coming and the glasses I need to get. Bought plastic cups for the kids and soft drinks but want something better for the adult drinks.
Need to distract myself again as hand is going numb and of course have now developed neck pain since the onc suggested I could have secondaries there!!