Sunday 6th July
Had a very lazy sunday morning and just lolled around in my PJs until after lunch. I then tried to make an aqueous bath as fun as possible by using the shower hose to get as much bubbles and foam as i could. That 's the problem with skin after radiotherapy, you can not use scented products on it and as this area is quite big, the only thing to do is to put scoopfuls of cream in and sloosh till bubbly and then hope you don't fall over when getting out!!
Bay 1 has the reputation of being the boozy one!!! We'd missed out the other evening and we made sure we didn't tonight and all got our drinks.
I'd spent the afternoon filling out the memory books for the children, It's so heart wrenching - 'What are your ambitions for the future', 'how can you change things?' There is no nice answer to that - of course, my answer would be to be well, see the kids grow up and we all grow old together as friends and family but horrible to think about my lack of future.
The other women in the bay have been lovely and quite delightful at times. We've had some good jokes and moans as well We've had a good camaraderie and looked after each other emotionally - I'm the only one that can do things physically and that's very limited and I won't do it unless I'm sure it will not hurt me.
Last night, 2 of them started to go downhill quite rapidly and it has left me feeling very distressed. They are in the mid 70s so have led full lives upto now but it is horrible and scary seeing them suddenly deteriorate so rapidly and the stress you can see on the families' faces. I couldn't settle last night as one lady kept moaning, very softly but it upset me to see her like this and I didn't understand why they didn't call in her family as she wanted company and I wanted to sit and hold her hand but of course didn't as I wanted to sleep and i don't know her wishes or feeliongs about this as well. The other lady has been so normally bright and optomistic and hopeful she would adapt to her physical difficulties but suddenly went downhill with a chest infection last night and to hear her breathing so badly and getting so distressed about it upset me greatly. They called her family in at 6am but they are looking lost and confused and I'm beginning to wonder if they were ever aware of how poorly she really was when she came over here and if they thouoght she would go home.
It's suppossed to be rest time but I can't lie and pretend to go to sleep in a bay with 2 dying women and their greiving families. The other side of the Hospice has also got dying younger women so big families are there who are rightly upset over that side so running out of places to be quiet and do what I want to do and be discrete about it. I need a lovely little room or the rain to stop so I can be outside and that's not happening either now.
Onto better things - we did wonder if the Men's tennis would ever finish yesterday or if the nurses would find us all collapsed and exhausted with the tension of the points and rain breaks. We survived but in the end I lost interest which seemed a shame after all that effort.
Today, still sorting out finance and school things and must ring dentist for Woody as his tooth hasn't fallen out yet.
I have seen the chaplain which has given me peace and communion and now I'm on the internet so that's good for my head.