Hello, my name is Emma. I have been writing on here as Mags for my Aunty Kate (Poodle as I call her on here).
I am so very sorry to inform you that Kate passed away yesterday (Wednesday 22nd April) at around 3 30pm.
She had her mum and her husband by her side when she passed away peacefully. It is the only comfort I have to give.

She was amazing and I am so proud of her as I know all who knew her will agree.
I miss her more then I ever fathomed possible and this is a great sadness on anyone who knew her.

Leave comments if you wish I will publish them for you and they will be up on here online.

If you need to know funeral dates and times leave a comment on here with contact details and I will contact you.

I am also very sorry if you personally knew her and we have not found a way to contact you more personally sooner then on here.

Thank you so much for all your support and well wishes and for reading such an amazing person's blog.

Thank you

xxx

Please Continue to Support Alan -

Alan - You are Countess Mountbatten's House second highest fundraiser. Well done mate - so grateful. Please continue to support Alan at the London Marathon.
The link is http://www.justgiving.com/alanmiddlebrook so no excuses!!
Had nice day. My friend from Oxford came to see me so that was good. Shocking that I'd last seen her about a month ago and hadn't realised it was that long ago.
Tired now so will try to update tomorrow.

Tuesday 14th April 2009
This was a strange day. I saw the consultant and we sorted out my medication since I refused to have any more of those patch behind the ear things that had made me so vague and confused. I know it helped with the cramping pains but it gave me too many side effects to continue.
I spent the morning doing some scrapbooking and writing in Pete's photo albums so I enjoyed that.
My sister came over to see me with her 2 youngest and with my mum having our 3, they all booked into the travelodge across the road from here. I know it sounds very strange to 'waste' money on this but originally, they were all going down to Folkestone at tuesday lunchtime and come back on thursday. Talking it over with mum and sis, the solution seemed to be having a holiday at home - very fashionable this year so the news keeps telling me!!! It seemed too much driving around for the adults plus petrol costs and the potential for arguing children to have in the car with Grandma seemed a bit much. This way, it seemed like they were having a 'holiday' and I could see them everyday!!
My sister, Grandma and 5 children went to Lee-On-The-Solent for ice creams and the children ran around on the beach for the afternoon and the 2 adults sat and chatted.
Pete and I sorted a few bits out in my room and then he took me out in the wheelchair around the garden. The volunteers had planted out loads more pansies, primulas and even some petunia. I do love the garden - some of it reminds me of my home now and other plants remind me of either when I was growing up in London or my Nan's London house. There are tulips, daffodils, ribes, kerria, primula, pansies, forget-me-not, camellia, pirus, and rosemary.
When we came back from our excusion outside, I was in quite a bit of pain on my right side so had some pain relief medicine. This time, it didn't work and my pain got worse. Then my breathing got worse and I felt horribly sick. This was happening about 5pm. They gave me an injection of an anti-sickness drug but with little effect. I then became very cold, clammy and at the same time was hot and sweaty. My stomach became very bloated and I could feel it swelling. They tried with every drug they could - which is becoming shorter as I seem to be more sensitive to the side effects of everything!!! I looked down at my leg and was amazed to see what looked like an aftermath of a burn. The top layer of skin appeared to be missing and leaving behind a grey area. Everybody came to have a look. The doctor had to come down about 12 miles to see me and my leg, pain, swollen tummy etc.
It was really scary as I felt my heart was going to stop or I would stop breathing and the pain was so bad and they just couldn't get on top of the situation at all.
In the end, with more changes and Pete staying the night with me I calmed down enough to get some sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I felt better but was scared to move in case I set off any of the pain etc from last night. Well, I'm pleased to report that I didn't but it was so hard not to immediately panic. I've been out in the chair but haven't really pushed myself to do anything more than that.
My school friends from Kent came very briefly to see me, bringing me flowers and chocolates so they are welcome to come again!!! The French Trawlermen have yet again gone out on strike making it so difficult for us UK residents to use our own roads and have access to our own houses in Kent.
The rest of the day, I've spent mainly asleep which is frustrating as now it's midnight and I am getting tired and will have to get hubby to help me settle in bed as we have taken over the room with my clutter!!!
Do hope to see some of you next week /weekend as do get lonely but just need to organise myself and combine diaries etc first so I get a balance between rest, write and chat.
Thank you to everyone for all your messages.
I know most of you are more of a technophile than I am. Still trying to put link up for sponsorship of Alan who is doing the London Marathon in fancy dress for my hospice here even though he lives 200 miles away so support would be appreciated. Hoping the keywords to get you there are from a collection of the following : Alan Middlebrook - just for giving- facebook- kate trun - london marathon -2009
Hope you can find link page as 1 of my friends did set up a page from my facebook to link to justforgiving for this cause.
Too late now. Night night all

Easter 2009

I've just re-read my entry for last week so that I know where to start today and am sorry have been so slow at updating.
It seemed a long time over Easter at the Hospice as so many things were shut down or not working and I didn't see a doctor over the weekend which seemed strange. There again, in the world of hospices, I think it is something you have to get used to as often your condition isn't always changing as much as it does when you are acutely ill in hospital. As I was 'stable,' I didn't need to clinically (medically) see anyone but if i did then I was sure I would be seen.
It is such a meaningless word 'stable'. It is the literary equivalent of 'nice'.
It was an extremely busy weekend for the staff here as there were so many ill people coming in and going out again.
Easter Sunday - I went home for the afternoon and the first part of the evening. The children had so many eggs, it was unbelievable. Laura had made me some little chocolate eggs which was sweet. They had all made me cards which were lovely and all had chicks as their theme. Pete bought me flowers so it was lovely having all these handmade gifts.

Home again

Don't get too excited as I mean I went home for a few hours!!!
It's been a strange week as I feel as most of it has gone by in a drug induced sleepiness so have decided to stop one of the drugs which is supposed to help with the spasm pains and already feel better. I was getting double vision and being very vague. I couldn't get on with the things I'd planned and probably annoyed everyone with my vagueness. I'll have to see how it goes as obviously I don't want to be in pain.
Have had lots of visitors which has been good as I wasn't up to much else. Sometimes it was a case of 1 in and 1 out !!! So sorry hope people don't feel short changed.
I've been writing down in a diary when my visitors are coming to try to space things out and to ensure that I have some time to myself!!! Our friend who is doing the London marathon in fancy dress to raise money for this hospice and his partner came to see me. It was lovely to see them. I do hope that some of you are sponsoring him - there is a link page on my facebook so that helps. It would make me feel very guilty to know that he is going to this effort and then not getting sponsored.
On monday, my friend from Devon came to see me and we spent the morning sorting and cutting out photos for my sister's scrap album. It was great fun as I've now reached the stage of the 1980s so there are some very interesting photos of me in that era.
Pete and I managed to have some time together on tuesday to try to sort out things which was good. Even managed to get through to Working and Child Tax credits first time!! However, I was so befuddled that we couldn't get a lot done.
On wednesday, I went home for about 4 hours. It was great to see home again and managed to find some of the things I was looking for and it was good to see the children in a 'normal' environment. I found some photos that I wanted for my sister's album so was pleased about that.
Today, my mum and sister, her husband and youngest daughter came to see me. My sister could only spend the day here but mum is here for a while so that should help me. I felt quite vague at first when they arrived but eventually woke up and we made some thank you cards and did more to the albums. It was good to be doing this all together as it seemed a 'family' thing to do. We had a good laugh at remembering what we used to do when we went out for our walks when we were about 10 - 16 yrs old. I like reminiscing anyway, so it was fun. I expect my Uncle's ears were burning though as we were remembering what songs we used to sing when we went out for a walk with him and the sort of rough and tumble play we did with him.
My uncle has had his hip replaced about 6 weeks ago now and is still having trouble with his recovery so it means that I'm too ill to travel to him and he is unable to get to me which I find frustrating as I would like to have a good chat with him and giggle about the past. Hopefully, one of us will be able to get to see each other soon!!!
I enjoyed today as I felt more awake and was able to do things like my album and writing some of the things I want to write about and even use the laptop without squinting. I've recently got some bifocals and I don't think that helps my vision as my eyes can't adjust that quick.
I felt sorry for hubby as he spent a lot of the time with the children and not much time with me or my family. Thanks for looking after the children, Pete so I could spend time with my family. He left early as well to sort out the food. When it was time to say goodbye to my mum and sister, I got very tearful and didn't want to be alone so my sister stayed for a while until I calmed down. It seemed very strange as I think the drugs I was taking must have flattened my emotions as although I have been crying at times, this seemed to really hit me that I would be alone until I went to sleep. It's strange how sometimes I want to be alone and at other times I feel I need to have someone with me. Tonight was one that I didn't want to spend alone. However, after about an hour and some food to eat, I felt more confident to be on my own and have had a pleasant evening on the internet.
I seem to be getting stressed about eating now which doesn't help but I've had a couple of attacks of regurgitation which is not nice and of course, the more anxious I get, the more difficu;t it will be to eat. The consultant had suggested I try lorazepam before eating and I had done that on some days and was better so perhaps I'd better go down that route rather than those earpatch things which made me sleepy and confused.
It has been a hard and strange week as I felt so isolated in my confusion bubble. I am stronger in that I can walk much further and am more steady on my feet and don't need oxygen all the time now but just look very strange as I have my little stick arms and legs and then a huge tummy. Apparently, there is only a little fluid in my stomach which they are reluctant to drain as my clotting factors are wrong so could be in more trouble healthwise if they try to drain the fluid than leave it where it is.
Eating wise, I'm still not eating that much but I can manage more than last week and you'll be glad to know that I have had quite a few showers which have been quite blissful.
I think I'm 'stable' at the moment which is probably the best way to be, especially as now I can function better mentally and so can enjoy once again looking at the waterfall and the birdfeeders and can get on with my scrapbooking. Painwise, I'm now OK but looking back over my visitor diary, I know there have been some days this week when my pain wasn't being controlled properly as I can relate their visits to when I needed extra painkillers.
Thank you to everyone who has visited me and sorry that I've had to turn some people away - oh to be so popular!!! Also thanks to everyone who comments on facebook, emails, texts, the forums etc. It's good to know you are thinking of me.
What a difference a year makes!!! This time last year, my sister and her 2 youngest, mum, myself and the children were on the Isle of Wight. I really didn't think I would be here now even though I'm not well. I'm glad I kept this blog as I wouldn't have remembered that and it was a good holiday.

Strange Saturday
I felt quite a lot better this morning apart from being very sleepy and it took not quite as much effort as the day before to have breakfast but nearly!!! Later on, I managed to walk to the toilet with my 2 wheeled zimmer frame - don't my mobility gadgets get more hi-spec each day!!! I even managed once dressed to go out into the garden with Pete, Heather and her 2 boys by walking with my zimmer frame so very pleased. Heather took some photos of Pete and I by the waterfall and you wouldn't think it was in the middle of a hospital let alone less than half a mile away from the motorway!!
Of course, now have totally wiped myself out and spent the afternoon asleep which was lovely. My stomach feels slightly less bloated as well but then I haven't really eaten. The medics know how little I'm eating as well so have to wait and see what they say about this on monday.
Tomorrow, mum is going home for a few days. Poor mum has been drifting between here, Pete's parents and our house so I'm sure she'll be pleased to stop moving around as well.
So what now? Do I hope to improve enough to have more chemo even though it means very poor immunity or do I let nature take its course? I'm beginning to feel like I could tolerate more chemo and I could try just the one and see what happens!!! Hopefully, it will shrink the ones in my tum as they are the ones that are causing me the huge amount of pain and stopping me from eating and drinking and is effecting the quality of my life.
Really hoping I can go home for a little while tomorrow - just to make sure it's all there and have some natural time at home with the family. Umm - who am I trying to trick? It means a day of arguing !!!

Rollercoasting the Dippykate Way
Well it's now 2209hrs on friday 3rd April 2009 and so nearly a week since I last posted and am trying to think what I've been up to that could be of interest.
Mentally and emotionally, I'm in a better place so that's easier for everyone and physically, parts of me are in better ways and other parts of me are worse!! Thank you for all your comments and support and emails etc.
I feel very guilty asking so much of you on my last post and I'm sorry if I upset anyone - think I sound even more bossy than I usually am in that post!!
Well, how did I spend this last week??
I spent sunday morning asleep which helped me and I was beginning to need less oxygen and be off oxygen for longer but my stomach is really swollen and that is getting worse. In the afternoon, myself and my friend from Waterlooville went through the photo album for my sister and although she does not believe she is 'arty', you are 'my Waterlooville' friend. The way you have displayed the photos is much more arty and professional than I could manage!!
Monday - I was planning to go home for a few hours but in the end didn't as was quite tired. One of my friends from Folkestone came to see me and my sister arrived as well. My oxygen need was now down to about 3 litres/min of oxygen so was able to go home for a little while if i wanted to. Instead of going home, I went outside in the wheelchair with my sister and my hubby and had a good nose around the gardens which are lovely and there is so much colour in the beds. It was blissful to be outside.
I think it was today and not last week but saw the palliative care consultant who seemed to be very much pushing me to go home or at least that's how I felt and I didn't feel ready to go home on a full time basis. My sister and the nurses explained that he actually wasn't really pushing me into going home, he was just making plans. Anyway, from that consultation, he changed some of my medication which hopefully would help me with the terrible stomach cramps that I get. They took me off the morphine pump and started me eventually on the long acting morphine capsules and also gave me a sticky patch behind my ear which was to help with the stomach spasms and also help with the horrible sticky secretions in my chest. The drying up part worked too well and I ended up feeling like I had cottonwool stuck at the back of my nose so it was impossible to swallow. It was a very odd feeling but it did get better by the next day. Unfortunately, the same can not be said of the pain and bloating in my stomach. As soon as I started to eat or drink, my stomach would just go rock hard and look very swollen and become very painful to the extent that I needed morphine to get pain relief andf lorazepam to help me calm down as all I could do was to rock with pain.
Tuesday - this was quite a busy day with visitors but also the day I went home and managed to spend about 4 hours there which was great and we found all the things that had previously gone missing so I felt much happier. My sister had to go in the evening which was sad but she has her family to look after as well and I know she be back here soon.
After my trip home, I was so tired I just sort of flopped into bed and didn't move!! All I'd done was to get out of bed and into the wheelchair and into the car, into the wheelchair and into the lounge. You'd have thought I'd just attempted climbing up Everest judging by the state of me!!
It was lovely as I could now see the new kitchen decorating. It is wonderful and I hope you 2 are happy with the results as I am.
I must have got so excited about going home, I forgot that another friend was coming to visit so am really sorry that I was not there when you turned up.
On wednesday, a friend who I went to school with in Folkestone came over to see me which was lovely and also my friend from my student nurse days and her husband visited too. My mum had also arrived as well so it meant that I did have people around if I wanted them or could tell them to go away if I was overtired!!
Thursday - Decorating Debbie came to see me and gave me some lovely aromotherapy and reiki. She did the aromotherapy before lunch and I tried to eat lunch but it was a slow and painful business. Once I'd finished eating, Debbie gave me some reiki which was wonderful and I drifted off to sleep. I woke up in a panic though. I could feel someone lifting my head up and then stopping and running away. I woke up and realised I couldn't move. I'd half fallen out of bed and my face and head was in the drawer and my arms behind me and I didn't have the balance or co-ordination to move my head!!! My friend Lucy, had come to visit me and found me with my head slumped into the drawer and she had tried to pick me up but my heavy sleepy head was too much. I didn't realise she was there so was shouting help. The physio and Lucy came back and rescued my head which was all lined with pressure marks where I'd fallen asleep on top of recharger leads in the drawer!!! Who else could fall asleep and stay asleep in a drawer apart from Dippykate??!!
That leads me onto friday. I felt very sick during the night and ended up having some very strong anti-sickness injection at 7am which made me sleep so heavily again that the poor volunteer man had to try 4 times to wake me up so I drank my tea and had my breakfast!!
I spent quite a lot f the morning asleep after that but did have visitors and mum. this afternoon the children came up to see me. Poor Laura has a very bad cold so not sure about her visiting me which is a shame as I thought we'd be able to do something creative tomorrow. Hope she's better or maybe I can wear a mask this time as I want to be able to give her a cuddle.
I managed to have a shower which didn't leave me breathless and am now down to 3 litres through the nasal specs all the time now so pleased. Just my poor belly to sort out now. I'm hardly eating anything at all - just puddings and the odd soup and smoothie.
Will try to post in week. Thanks once again for your support.
Katexx