Thoughts on Dying
Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my posts or written supportive posts about me and my current state of ill health.
I always thought I would know when the time was right for me to stop and give up treatment. In many ways that decision has been taken out of my hands now as I have been discharged from the oncology team to the palliative care team only. This happened when I was transferred to the Hospice on Tuesday 24th March.
The oncologist says that the only way I would get more chemo would be for me to be able to walk into the clinic and I'm far off that. I can manage a few steps on my own and that's it.
It was a horrible feeling leaving the hospital and knowing that I would never be 'well enough' to go in ever again as now that I’m at the Hospice, I’ve elected for ‘do not reuscitate’ so there is no reason unless I get quite an unrelated infection that I would ever need to go in either. Another, chapter of my life over.
Anyway, I have a lovely room with a view of a waterfall and bird boxes and just enough space for my clutter and things.
Psychologically, it's taking time to adjust to the new 'dying' me who is still aiming for home for a few hours on some days but has given up on thinking of being at home for a few days but you never know I might turn the corner and perk up for a while and get home!! It's very confusing all round.
I’m sort of balanced between wanting to get well enough to go home but to keep this bed mine while I’m at home. I don’t want to die at home but it would seem more appropriate there than at the hospital if I can’t get a bed here at the hospital.
I’m not sure what sort of death I would be facing and of course, still don’t. I don’t know if it will be quick or drawn out. I know at the moment I’m not ready to die and it’s hopefully, quite a few days/weeks off it anyway.
I seem to have done a brilliant job of tricking you into thinking I’m fantastically organised when in truth I’m not. Certain things are and others aren’t which is very frustrating and some things I can’t do until I get a few hours at home.
I took on too many projects and now with the kitchen redecoration going on at the same time it’s all happening at once!!!
It’s odd facing death as I’m so aware that often it is me that wants people to visit me, to keep me company, hold my hand, have a laugh with or look after me when I‘m feeling rough.
I enjoy having reiki and aromatherapy.
I want to personally say thank you to people who have spent so much of their time after nearly 4 years of ‘fighting the invader’ that not to say goodbye individually seems rude.
I know for many people it is hard emotionally to come to a hospice and see me going downhill but I’m the sort of person who needs some kind of closure so even if you can’t face coming in to see me then maybe could you send me an email or text as I would like to say a big thank you to you all individually. Emailing would be best as then I can make it clearer and more personal.
I really don’t want people to come and see me if they are going to be too upset and would prefer to remember me when we last did this or that together. That is fine. It has got to be what is best for you to do and not just because I asked.
It is now Saturday 28th March at 940am and have no visitors till later so want to make the most of this time catching up with my life story.
I will continue to update my blog/forums as much as I can or else my niece, Magnolia will, to you know what is happening. This maybe factual or it may be emotional posts - have to wait and see.
Thank you so much everyone for your help, friendship and support. I could never have achieved this much with out you.
Much Love Katex