Full of moans!!!
I'm definately on a bit of a downer at present. I am so fed up with pureed food. I want to go out and have a chicken fajita or even a steak. It is just so boring!!! I want to chew and swallow like normal people. I've been trying to vary it between pureed dinner and soup and have different puddings but it's not the same. I can eat sponge pud and custard now which is an improvement and had one of Woody's chocolate bar biscuits he made. The dietician will be pleased with my high calorie snacks but I look at the mango and apples and bananas and think it would be so lovely to eat that.
I want to go out for a meal with Pete but what's the point when I'm stuck to soup for starter and mains. Anyone who knows me in real life knows how much I loved my food - my size 20 proved it!!!
I have to say it's lovely to look at myself in size 14 clothes and look reasonable and not an overbloated hairy thing. Getting expensive in buying new clothes but what else can I do!!!! . As I have long legs, I ofetn have trouble getting trousers long enough apart from M and S. However, I did get a pair of cords in longer length in BHS yesterday. It reminded me of the clothes I wore in 6th form when we could wear our own clothes but they had to be in school colours of green, yellow, brown and beige. It's only been in recent years that I've been able to wear green and brown without thinking of chemistry experiments!!!
Hoping to get to an M and S outlet centre next week and buy a skirt and some black trousers and then think I should stop as I have enough clothes. Even my PJs fall down and have so many of those. I need to keep hold of these big clothes incase my liver swells again.
My hair is just doing a small trickle of falling out. I'm really dreading being bald this time. Having a cold head is not pleasant and a wig is so itchy. I've seen some people wearing some lovely hats so need to get hold of those as well.
Been naughty and bought a pair of funky shoes. They are flat so are practical and also fashionable. Now I really want a higher heeled fashionable pair although the way I keep toppling over when I put my weight on my left leg is a tad disturbing and probably unsafe.
Also fed up with low energy levels and keep finding myself in tears over music that I like.
Then I get cross with myself for being so miserable as really considering how ill I am, I can actually do a lot. I can still drive. I still have some feeling in my toes and fingers. I even have hair and nails which I might not be able to say in a few weeks time and I can still walk round Tescos or other shops so life shouldn't be that bad.
I think it is the reality of dying feels so close now and it scares me. It scares me of what dying is like and what is the afterlife like? I see the stress and starin on my family and friend's faces and that is hard to bear as well.
I really hope taxol is doing something but I keep getting odd pains in my back. I don't know if this is boney pain or referred liver pain or even kidney pain. I hate it anyway. I'm so scared that my liver tests still won't be right and what will happen next.
So all in all I'm a miserable person right now and yet when reading other people's troubles on the forums, I know I'm faring better than a lot of them so do I wallow in self pity or do Itry and see a half full glass?
Today - self pity. Tomorrow - will try to do the more positive thought mode