Overdoing it again - will I ever learn??!!!

After my fall, I did spend a quiet sunday, mainly resting - honestly!!!

On the monday, it was the twins inset day. We'd been told on the thursday that school was shut on the monday - not very helpful. One of our friends who helps us out a lot was stuck for childcare so I looked after her which was no problem and made me feel better that I could help out for a change.

I took them out to an indoor playcentre and then onto Pizza Hut.The place was empty which was good so I could sprawl over the settee and rest my sore knees, back and swollen ankles. When we got home, I went to bed for a sleep as hubby was due home in the next 30mins and I could go on no more.

Tuesday, I didn't go to the hospice as I went shopping for a few bits for my wine evening for MacMillan's Biggest Coffee morning event. I had help tidying and moving furniture and getting stuff prepared and from 8pm, had a brill time entertaining and drinking and of course, fundraising. We had a good time and did raise money but didn't look into the box then to find out how much was in there. Rather a late night and we got told off by the children for making too much noise - laughter obviously not approved of by the kids then!!! Again, had plenty of help clearing away and had used paper plates so minimal washing up and what there was went into the dishwasher!!

Not much time to rest as had to be up early on wednesday morning as off to the midlands to meet up with other breast cancer friends. Met one of them on the train which made the journey seem shorter. We met up in the coffee shop before heading for Waggamammas - wonderful food and so wonderful not to have to worry about if I can eat anything there. We all marvelled at how much we had all changed physically and I suppose emotionally as well. I suppose it is nearly 2 years since we first met and a lot has happened since then. 2 of us have had further, serious secondary spread and another died in may 07 so that's a very sobering thought.

I never would have thought in Oct 06 when I met up with this glorious group that I would still be alive and well enough to travel on my own, let alone go marching off through the shops without my stick or oxygen, trying to find a scarf as I was so cold or that we would still be friends and in contact with each other and helping each other out - often emotionally but we do give each other some hard but honest advice/telling offs sometimes.

Some groups work well together and I think we were/are so lucky that we all met each other at this Breast Cancer Care conference in Exeter, October 06 and stuck together. Not sure if the facilitators felt the same way though - there's always one nayghty table at these events isn't there!!! We have all had our good and bad times with health, family and work problems but it has been so much easier to get through to have this group to rely on.

That is not to undervalue any of the contributions that other women with breast cancer that I have met subsquently either in the cyber world or actually met who constantly give me emotional support and advice (and say wonderful things about me - but then they can as a lot of people don't really know what a different person I am in the 'real world'!!!) as I would never have got through this phase in my life without them. It's just a different level of friendship when you meet as a group and stay as a group.

The value of any of the forums I've used has been remarkable but it can also be very sad when women die from this crappy disease that you've got to 'know', even if only briefly. The knowledge I've acquired through the use of these forums and meeting other women in similar positions has, I'm sure has kept me alive.

I've met some wonderful, local women with this disease who have visited me frequently in hospital that I have met via the forums or some other way and that is also so very helpful and such a boost to me and relieves the pressure of other family and friends to know that someone is seeing me and getting me things.

As for my family, friends, neighbours and work colleagues - now worried I've missed someone out - sorry!! - they have done the most amazing things for us. They are all such stars.

Hubby and I often are reduced to tears by people's generosity - especially at the start of my illness when we didn't know some that well and yet 3 and a half years on, they are still continually here for us. It's amazing.

As for all the anonymous people, and people that we may have met only once who put themselves out to help us and are so generous with their time, gifts, food, trips out, housework, decorating, donations, looking after the children or treating them to things etc - These are the people who should be getting the OBEs etc.

What is so special about us? I'm just an ordinary person with a family who has been dealt a bad hand with health. Why are so many people willing to help us? We definately hit the jackpot big time with this side of things and we are eternally grateful for everything that anyone (in the real and cyberworld) has done for us and makes me feel confident in the future will support hubby, Woody, Laura and AJ after this ***** disease has killed me. That gives me peace in my heart that they will cope afterwards which I need - especially being the control freak I am.

We are also so amazed that these same people also help and support any fundraising attempts that we and others make. At the moment, one of hubby's friends runs marathons to support my hospice which is fabulous and we've had so much money donated to charities that have helped us out, that I am constantly stunned.

This 'give and receive' has also had an impact on our children and they are very aware of the need to raise funds for charities and of the need to help others less fortunate than themselves. Woody did the Sports Relief Mile and is doing the Great South Run for the hospice at half term and Laura and AJ spent last saturday selling left overcakes and collecting donations for the MacMillan Cancer Relief Coffee morning so they are learning good examples from all of you as well.

Gone right off track now - right - how my family dread that word - it means I expect urgent action from them!!! - where was I? I think I was in Waggammammas or just about to leave anyway!! Really enjoyed the food and company on the wednesday but knew on the journey back to the station that I'd overdone it as had to cling onto one of the gang to walk back to the station as felt shaky and too tired to manage on my own. Problem is, I look so well so trying to get to my seat on the crowded train when nobody was going to move quickly so I could sit down before fainted was nigh on impossible. I had a reserved seat which I could see but not get to and asked if I could just move forward so I could sit down before I fainted and was told by a posh voice to be patient as we all had to wait. I'm afraid to say that I shouted back 'we don't all have terminal cancer. I need to sit down before I fall down' . I got to my seat but before falling asleep, I did apologise to that woman. See the halo is slipping!!! As further revenge for being rude, I got woken up by really bad cramp and pain in my hip - so is there an alternative universe keeping me in check then? The oromorph and diazepam helped the pain and cramp anyway.

I really struggled to get off the train and just couldn't find the strength to climb into the London type taxi to get me home. The man had to help me in which was a bit embarassing.

Although home by 730pm, I was absolutely worn out and in bed soon after.

That brings us back to chemo day - thursday. I saw the 3rd oncologist in 3 weeks so it is difficult for them to know if they are measuring in the same place each time but it seemed to measure smaller and the skin secondaries are less pronounced - more like old insect bites now and the purple dimpling has just about gone and as I keep saying, my ability to swallow is amazing and feels like a miracle. It would have been about a year since i could eat as easily as now and my breathing is improving and my liver tests are fine so it feels miraculous at present but there is always that niggling doubt especially after my liver in July that it could all go pearshaped at anypoint and very quickly. It is easy to forget that and my abnormal life feels normal now. How 'well' I am is measured very differently from your usual 46 yr old and so if people ask me how I feel, I just say I feel well as I'm so much better than I was and it feels 'well'.
Taxol - the current chemo - effects nerve endings and my fingers and toes are getting more 'numb' but not that much worse than usual. The nerve it seems to be effecting are my bladder/bowel ones - you really wanted to know that didn't you!!! This time, the taxol effect was more marked but as I was holding my 'proper' MacMillan Coffee morning the following day, I just got on with it and didn't cancel. Again, I had plenty of help and I didn't make one cup of tea or coffee - all guests did their own or each others and as hubby was home, he helped tidy up afterwards. I rather overate some wonderful cakes with butter icing on and knowing who they were cooked by, I know they had real butter and cream in - not a great idea from yours truly.We had a lot of cakes left which we stored away and as I said, the next day Laura and AJ went up and down the road with the cakes and biscuits on a trolley and labelled with their price and raised £25.
The total money donated was £195 for MacMillan's Cancer Relief Biggest Coffee morning and the orders from the Breastcancer care catalogue was £100 and from the MacMillan catalogue another £80 so I will let you know when these arrive.
You are all such stars donating so much and I'm so thankful for all your help in making the events enjoyable and for the help you gave in donating, ordering and making your own tea and coffee and tidying up etc.
Then it was friday afternoon..........