Living in a Pararell World



So many people tell me that I'm 'inspirational', 'courageous' and that they admire the way I cope with this disease. I don't really feel any of these things and I'm not really sure what else to do so I just carry on living my life the way it feels right. However, it is lovely to be complimented though.

I just wanted to write a bit more on a personal note why I think people get this impression.

I do wonder if we'd never had the children how I would have handled this disease and if I would have pushed for as much treatment or done so many things if it had just been Pete and myself. I suppose we would have probably gone away for weekends or holidays more together rather than just snatching a bit of time here and there for us but other than that I wonder if it would be different or is it just that I am because I am strong willed and determined that I would have been just the same. Who knows you can't relive your life.

Sometimes, it feels as if I am driven by an almost animal instinct as I just want to protect the children so much that it is factor that gives me the impetus to keep going on with treatments and trying to live a 'normal' life for them but also for Pete and the rest of my family and friends as much as it is for me to cling onto 'normality'.

The psychologist on 'Mummy's Diaries' talked about being able to walk or live on pararell roads and this is what I suppose I do. On one level, it is just about the day to day running a house, shopping and nagging about homework etc and then on this other level there is an increasing awareness that time is not on my side and there are things I want to and need to do. For example, planning my funeral and even the other night discussing if it looked as if I would die close to Christmas would it be better to either abandon treatment so there was a gap between my death and christmas or plod on!! More like the conversation you have about planning a holiday. Sometimes it feels like I'm living in a soap opera as this is so unreal and that's why I can talk about it in an unemotional way.
Of course, I have other days when I am just tearful all day and can't believe I will die and leave everything that is precious to me behind and I will cease to exist on this earth. It just seems so unfair that the chidren especially have this worry. Woody nags me to eat more slowly so i don't regurgitate and tells me to stop as I sound breathless. Laura dashes around doing things for me so I don't exhaust myself. This seems wrong for 11 yr olds to have to worry about these things but then that is the life that some children only know about as they have always been carers.

Then there is this 'hope' path of 'well a miracle will occur and it will all disappear and I'll be cured' even though I know this is so unlikely but you have to live in hope or maybe I mean I live in hope. I have to live on this level of hope or else I would just take to my bed and do nothing which is a waste of the opportunities that modern medicine has given me.

I suppose I've always been an energetic person and used to do a lot of exercise and walk miles and I think that has helped me to survive for this long and helps me to push myself. All that Jane Fonda and 'go for the burn' philosophy has paid off in a different way. I can't see how if I've only got a 50% oxygen exchange rate and a heart function of 60%, I do manage so well. My body must have got used to working anaerobically (without oxygen) even though I know the modern outlook on exercise is different now. I've never been good at sitting still as anybody who has shared a flat or been on holiday with me can testify!!! I've always knitted or sewn if I have been still.

I know lots of people read this blog from my family and friends and work colleagues to people who only know me from breast cancer forums in the cyberworld and honestly don't feel exceptional in the way I cope and with what I do. Without all your support either physically or emotionally, I would not have got as far down this road without you so next time you think I'm inspirational, please remember that I think the same of you all too and that I'm sure if you were living my life you would probably do it in the same way as well.