Not feeling happy - I didn't know how long I would be off chemo for but I had hoped to get a few months before the next round. I'm still hoping this will be the case but at my last visit the registrar thinks the skin spread has come back in about the same place as last time. I know it feels sore but I can't see any changes yet but I know it is more swollen there. The only option would be more chemo but I'm reluctant to start that yet as the bottomline is skin mets don't kill so want to hold out until something else kicks off. It is again about 8 weeks after treatment stopped that this has happened so feel very low. I had quite an uneventful day at chemo and the bleep system actually worked as I went down to the MacMillan Centre and I got bleeped!! Hurray!! Something has changed for the positive in the chemo unit then!!
My negative experience happened the day before at the smaller hospital near by where I go to get my blood taken. I had Laura at home with this bad tummy pain so had to take her down to the unit with me. I went at 2pm as it is usually quiet then but not this time. There were 24 poeple ahead of me. One of the blood ladies was taking her time - the other one seemed to do 3 times as many. I'm not sure whether she was on 'a work to rule' schedule as I know they are short staffed and fed up. after 45 minutes there were still 2 people ahead of me and I had to get back to pick AJ up from school so I popped my head round the dor and explained the situation. The ladies knew me well - they have seen me every 3 weeks for nearly 2 years now!!! - so let me in. I just burst into tears as I felt stressed and I'd had a difficult conversation with Laura earleir in the day to explain that I still had cancer in my hip and lungs. The blood ladies were lovely and both came over to hug me and comfort me - I was trying to tell them to hurry up or else the others waiting would be getting cross but they said I was important and it didn't matter. I must try and be organised next time I go there and buy them a bunch of flowers because they do always take an interest in me and are kind. If I mention I'm going for a blood test on the 27th march perhaps someone could text me to remind to take flowers or something please. Anyway, when I came out I got really glared at by all these elderly people who were cross with me.
Later that evening I met up with my sister-in-law and a friend for pizza - what else - and was telling them what had happened when my sister-in-law said 'oh it was you was it!! Her work colleague had been there at the same time and had got the ticket about 2 numbers after mine and he'd told her that all these elderly people were irate that 'I'd pushed my way in'. I was still 10 minutes late to pick AJ up but I had managed to phone the school so they could look after him.
Since then I've been really low and feel I want to withdraw from contact with family and friends. It feels as if I'm not around so much now then people and family won't miss me when I do die. I've talked over how I feel with the hospice nurse and will see the GP next week. I know I should go for counselling but then that feels it is another commitment on my time. I will try to follow this through though. So if I've been anti-social recently thta's why.
The other worry I've had is that although my direct managers are wonderful and have in effect hidden me and redeployed me into a useful role, somewhere along the line, finance know I'm not holding a caseload. I hadn't seen occy health since my return as I didn't want to see that horrible doctor and I knew I'd been referred there. I was scared that I might be pushed into medical retirement or reduce my hours and lose pay. Anyway, this week I've found out that I 'm going to see the nurse so do feel happier about that.
I've also got ingrowing toenails again - I think it is my heeled boots that are to blame and that has been getting me down.
I'm so tired and that is effecting how I function at home so am dropping things and forgetting things again. Hot chocolate powder smells nice but doesn't make a good floor covering. Dropping my water over my slippers was also not a good move as it is only the pair I've got and my feet suffer so much when they are cold.
On a good note - people have been providing dinner for us for which I'm really thankful as I'm so tiredwhen I move around. I can sit at a computer for hours (like I do at work) or just sit and sew/knit etc and I'm fine but the minute I have to walk around and be active I get so tired. I'm also feeling the cold more so that makes me feel that the beast is on the move again.
My friend also took AJ yesterday as hubby was at work and twins at their Roverang proactice so that was a brilliant help and meant I could cuddle up to my hot wheat bags and do nothing but sleep.
Due to my inability to think ahead, it was on the fateful day when the ignition broke that I got round to organising the dressingup clothes for the circus week (twins) and book Character (AJ). This was the day before the big event. I bought a top and leggings - size8 - forLaura to go as a hula hoop girl in a charity shop and found a black long jacket for Woody to wear as a Circus Ringleader. I hunted around the mess that is the boys bedroom and thought I'd found enough of the Captain Hook costume for AJ. Next morning, of course, AJ wanted the only bit that I hadn't found - the hook!! Somehow he found it very quickly. I took photos of them all and they looked brilliant. It seems so much effort and I'mnot sure what the juniors get out of dressing up really - all I know is that it causes stress to the parents.